Shades of Green
by WeezelLee
Summary: The sequal to Thicker Than Water. Mikey and Don findout about the Nightwatcher and Leo comes home. The team is redefined as roles are identified. Will the team survive, or will it all break again.
1. The Seperation

_Hey, ya'll! Weezellee here! Not to worry, I'm still working on my other fanfic, Reason, I was just watching the newest TMNT movie, and this plot line would NOT leave me. While watching this movie (that is amazing, by the way) I was just wondering some things. What if the younger brothers (Mike and Don) knew about the Nightwatcher? That question sparked this story that was honestly only suppose to be a drabble, but heck! Do I ever do anything simple! LOL!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT!_

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Shades of Green

"Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago - the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider... It doesn't seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we've traveled." -Jane Mersky Leder

Chapter I: The Seperation

Don stared at the screen blankly, but his hands remained clasped under his chin. He had long stopped answering calls for his tech-support jobs but just for the night. His skin was bathed in the digital blue of the computer while the rest of his room remained in shadows. Everything ached from sitting too long, and his mind was ready to explode from too many stupid questions and too many stupid humans. Don had once or twice almost given into the temptation of launching his bo staff like a javelin into the computer to stop it all. But he had to do this for too many reasons.

Hardly hearing the door open and close, Don jumped feeling Mickey's hand on his shoulder. Damn ninja skills, Don mentally said. Turning in the swiveled office chair, Don saw Mickey's equally tired face. Even in the strange light, Don could see the dark green bruises on Mickey's shoulders and arms from too many kids with too many waffle bats.

"What are we doing this for, Donnie?" Mickey asked, his voice so lost of his free-spirited personality that Don wondered if the sun would shine again.

Don sighed inwardly, but answered lowly. "I'm not sure. Splinter needs medication and we need food. I suppose that's what happens when you grow up."

"When did that happen?"

"Hum?" Don asked, very tired.

Mickey chucked the Cowabunga Carl mask to the sofa, but it landed short of it's target. Clattering to the floor, the bulky, plastic turtle mask rolled around until stopping. Mickey and Don watched it in worn stares. Suddenly Don griped his hand free phone respecter, unplugged it from the console, and flung it like a shuriken. With it's long cord, the respecter landed sadly off target, Mickey's oversize mask.

Mickey rephrased his question. "When did we grow up?"

Don went silent for a moment; not because he was ignoring Mickey, but because he was asking himself the same thing. When did it happen? Was there a definite step they took, or was it more gradual than that?

"Things change." Don could only offer that sad explanation. It sounded like he both answered and ignored the question. That's what Don felt inside- whole and empty, answered and ignored. Life handed him a predestined life that was less and more than what he had. For years Don wanted nothing more than stability and a routine he could live while he and his brothers lived a life that could never had a schedule. Now that he had that mundane, clock-work routine, Don wondered what would be the best life. Could there be a mid point? Was there a point for them between something stable and spontaneous.

It was no officially a year since Leo left. Seven months since Don failed as being leader. The brotherly love that followed lasted for about two weeks. Then Don and Mikey became swamped with work, and Raph…

Mickey's hand slapped the back of Donnie's head. Looking up, Don saw a scowl on his baby brother's face. "Stop that." Mickey scolded which had Don blink three to four times in shock. When did Mickey, the most carefree, fun of them all, turn into someone so emo like Raph or Leo?

"Stop what?" Don demanded tiredly. He was so tired.

"Stop thinking for once. It's driving me insane." Mickey soon smiled which caused Don to smile. "Hey, lets go out!"

"Out?"

Mickey laughed, "You remember out, don't you, hermit the frog? Let's go out for a run tonight. Do something! Anything!" Mickey somersaulted onto Don's bed making his brother laugh. Despite how tired Don felt, seeing Mickey acting like himself was enough to agree to one night run. Where did Mickey get all his energy, Don wondered.

Leaving the lair, Don looked up where Raph's room was. It was currently unoccupied; like every night for months. Don remembered a time where Raph would be the one dragging Don from a recent invention for a run. Those days were gone like a leaf swept down the storm drain.

Oddly the conversation that night dwelled on those good old days when their brotherhood seemed unbreakable. Never did Mickey want to talk about the here and now because no one seemed to be here and now but the broken pieces of who they use to be.

Mickey jumped on Don's back as they walk along the dark tunnels they memorized. Don also noticed how weaker Don had became since Splinter abandoned training sessions two months ago. Everyone seemed so unfocused; lost in their own world. What use to be unified was now broken. Inside, the guilt was trobbing in Don's heart like a hammer.

Don had failed as a leader.

Then everyone gave up on the team.

"What do you think Raph does at night?" Mickey asked innocently, jarring Don from hsi guilt trip.

Don sighed, "I've been asking myself that."

Teasingly, Mickey laughed, "You don't think he has a girlfriend?"

"Right." Don scoffed, "That's your theory?"

"Hum…who knows anymore." Mickey finally jumped off Don's back; which Don was grateful for. They used the garage exit where Mickey's Cowabunga Carl van hid behind a camouflaged garage door. It was well past two, so streets were cleared. Perfect time for a nightly stroll on the rooftops.

Don, in both Raph's and Leo's absence, was the eldest, so he lead the run. It was part of their code that the eldest brother lead. Leo always had that mantel, and Raphael seemed to always envy that right.

Don sighed as he remembered the first weeks after Leo left. Splinter put him in leadership position, Leo's job. Because of bad judgement and a dozen other things, Don failed at that job. The team was disbanded. Don failed. The brotherhood failed.

The air was crisp and clean. It was a welcoming difference from the sewers stale air. Seeing the twinkling skyline and river reminded him of good yet gone old days. The grainy rooftops on his bear feet made him feel more alive than he had for months. Don truly had missed the rush of ninja, rooftop gymnastics.

"Should we go patrolling?" Mickey asked running next to Donnie. Again Mickey understood the law of responsibility unlike Raph did. Don hesitated on a twelve story bank to think. He wasn't the turtle of snap or spontaneous choices, and Mickey knew this. He respected it to, but not when Mickey was in mid jump!

When Mickey turned to see if Don was following, and noticing that he was short one techno-geek, Mickey nearly missed the apartment complex he was aiming for. The foolish mistake that would have the punishment of twelve hours of personal training, Mickey gripped the ledge with a very un-ninja like scream.

"Mickey!" Don yelled out, jumped, and offered a hand down.

Mickey took it as his heart nearly jumped out of his shell. "Gee, Donatello, next time could you leave me a memo?"

"Uh…sorry." Don grimiest as Mickey took the offered hand. Hoisting Mickey up to the rooftop, Don stood by Mickey's side.

"I just got distracted for a second." Don offered a sad explanation.

"And they call me the absentminded one." Mickey joked. "No problo, bro. You know you've been doing that a lot lately."

"What do you mean?"

Leaning against another brick wall, Mickey said in an astonishing serious voice, "You've been thinking too much, dude. That's a lot coming from you. It's not the normal science-like Donnie thinking either. There are things bothering you. Sometimes I catch you staring at your screen for hours, and your aren't doing nothing…" Mickey waiting for a moment, giving the silence a strained aura. "See!" Mickey pointed out.

"What?" Don asked a little annoyed.

Shaking his head, Mickey groaned, "Double negative. I just said, 'you're aren't doing nothing.' That type of grammar error would've had your bo staff down my throat in a second. You use to be to pick up on things like that, and that's why I say you're acting so distracted."

"You already know the reason why, Mickey." Don looked to the skyline, feeling suddenly broken. "It's the same reason why you haven't pulled a prank in two weeks. It's the same reason why Master Splinter only comes out for his soap operas." Don turned to Mickey feeling something else break, but this time it was like a pressure valve. "And, It's the reason why Raph feels the need to be alone every _damn_ minute!"

Don paused. The internal pressure valve was quickly fixed. He saw the surprise in Mickey's eyes. This was not, repeat _not_, like Donatello, the calm and slightly passive doormat of the family. Don's anger explosions were small and few, but they were alarming and rather frightening.

Sighing, Don joined his brother in leaning against the wall. "What's happened to us, Mickey? I'm so tired of this. At first I thought we were…adjusting, but things just keep getting worse. I've been thinking. What if this is just the beginning?"

"The beginning of what?"

"The separation."

Mickey pushed away from the wall quickly to turn to Don like he was just smacked. Don almost anticipated the reaction. Heck, he even felt a little shock when he came to the same conclusion. They were growing up, but did growing up have to mean growing apart?

A crash below silenced any retort Mickey could offer. Ninja skills developed for twenty years kicked in. Don and Mickey stood on the edge looking into a sad alley full of refuse and Purple Dragons. Trapped in a corner was a captured citizen with a loaded wallet. The dragon thugs looked quite meanicing with baseball bats and broken lead pipes.

"You think the Purple Dragons could come out of the stone age and get weapons they didn't have to barrow from the Garbageman." Mickey joked.

Don took out his bo without a word. He needed an outlet for all this frustration festering deep inside. Maybe after the fury was all gone, Don could grasp a sense of reality.

"Hold on, Don!" Mickey griped Don's shoulder. Pointing, Mickey smiled, "Looks like this is someone else's party."

Don glanced to where Mickey was pointing. Standing alone in the alley's only human exit was New York's newest crime sweeper, the Nightwatcher. Neither of the turtle brothers had seen the Nightwatcher this close. They only saw the Nightwatcher on blurry video footage on news channels. Needless to say, Don never got out much, and Mickey did his gig before his clients' bedtimes.

Don's eyes furrowed in mistrust. What did this novice wish to prove? That any chain swinging human could take on a few dragon thugs? Rolling his eyes, Don scoffed at the Nightwatcher's outfit.

"What is this? A black Robocop?" Don sneered.

Mickey waved his hand in warning. Don rolled his eye again. What Mickey loved more than heroes was real-life heroes. Mickey's room was a disorganized museum for Marvel Comics. Every sketch book Mickey owned was full of sketches of comic heroes and villains. In Mickey's eyes, comic book superheroes were next to gods. So obviously the Nightwatcher was Mickey's newest fandom.

Curious enough not to jump in, Don sat in a more comfortable crouch. Mickey followed with a slight jump of excitement. The black armored hero strutted with a swagger that would have fan girls drooling for hours.

"Pardon me for interrupting, boys." The Nightwatcher cockily called. "I couldn't help to notice you look a bit lost. The junkyard is that way." He pointed a leathered thumb behind him. Don huffed at such corny theatrics.

The leader of this particular dragon faction stood strong in front of the Nightwatcher. The brute was more than a foot taller than the hero and looked twice as strong.

"You've got some business here, freak?"

The Nightwatcher folded his arms, "In fact I do. The trash needs to be taken out." With the last word of his sarcasium, the Nightwatcher side kicked the tug. Don's eye ride rose just a little. That was some kick. The thug was tossed into his fellow dragons like a bowling ball to pins. Mickey whistled in astonishment.

The fight was short lived. As the fight reached it anti-climatic end, Don's curiosity rose. Where had he seen that fighting style before? It was so familiar. Looking down at Mickey, Don could read in his little brother that he was thinking the same. Each kick, each punch, and even when he used the chains to tie his fallen foes. It was all too familiar.

"I'll just leave you guys here for the garbage man." The Nightwatcher laughed.

"That laugh…" Don whispered.

"That kick…" Mickey voiced just as breathlessly.

The only light came from the street lamps which created a dark atmosphere in the alley. The Nightwatcher stood right in that light. After the fight, Don expected the Nightwatcher to phone for police or something rather than stand in the mist of his victory. Watching closely, Don saw the Nightwatcher removing his helmet.

Mickey let out a auto-able gasp. Standing there in Nightwatcher garb was their own brother, Hamato Raphael! If he wasn't so shocked, Don could almost guess the rage Splinter and Leo would be in learning this. Don's own blood that first froze with shock was now boiling with something he would have to diagnose later. Right now he couldn't see right let alone think clearly.

Don turned to give himself time to think. He stared at the starless, moonless sky without actually seeing it. Mickey was somewhere near and so where the police car lights. Soon there were humans in the alley, and their voices carried to the fire escapes. Mickey pulled on Donnie's arm, and they were off again into the shadows.

Was this, Donnie wondered, just a side effect of the seperation?

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_Dum dum daaaaaaaaa! LOL! I'm such a sucker for emotional suprises! Anway, thanks for reading, reader!_

_-Weezellee_


	2. You Look Lost Friend

_Howday! This is so fun! I'm really excited about what's going to happen! Seriously! It's going to get crazy...soon. Poor guys! Anyway, thanks for reading!_

_Disclaimer: Heck no! I own nothing!! And I love it!_

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Chapter II: You Look Lost Friend

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."  
William Blake

It was a monsoon, raging and deadly. Soon the whole village would be flooded. There was nearly half a foot of warm water on the marshy jungle ground. With time weathered walls, the ancient temple was a dry home.

Leonardo sat against a glassless window. Although it was drier, inside the temple was stuffy, too warm. Beside him grew the shallow pool, and the raindrops that continued to fill it. It just wouldn't stop, the rain. For three long days, Leo stayed within the carved walls for protection. Sometimes a visitor would drop in. Mostly they were harmless snakes, monkeys, picas, and rats. However; not all visitors were friendly.

A deep growl disturbed Leo's meditation. In the temple's unlighted distance glowed two orange cat eyes. The jungle held dangers like corrupted bandits and jaguars. This jaguar was not intent on sharing his newly found refuge from the storm.

"You look lost, friend." Leo took out one katana sword. Lazily he outstretched it, but he knew that wouldn't be enough to deter the animal. The jaguar slowly paced in front of Leo. It seemed to analyzing the situation; waiting for an opening for attack.

"I don't want to kill you." Leo said slowly. It was nearly twilight, and then the jaguar would have a technical advantage. No matter how good of a ninja Leo was, or that he lived in the dark sewers for twenty years, turtles don't see well in the dark.

Leo stood which threatened the large cat into an attack. The cat pounced with a terrifying roar, but Leo easily evaded with a side jump. The jaguar realigned then leaped again; this time missing my a mere two inches. The left claw had shredded into Leo's brown habit. The fabric tore too easy due to the cheapness of it.

There was no choice. With two slashes of the twin swords, Leo watched the cat slump to the ground dead. In the dying gray light of day, the cat looked so fallen. Blood began to pool around the beast, and Leo stood there staring at it until darkness finally fell.

Wind began to blow faster, and the rain whipped into every crack in the temple. The jungle sounds of nature were completely drowned from the raging roars of the storm. Leo could smell the fresh blood on his blades.

He had to leave. Using his hand against a strong wall to guide him, Leo made his way further into the chambers. Lightning still flashed, illuminating the carvings on the wall. Reaching down, Leo found his survival pack. Inside he blindly found the matches, and nearby was the fire pit from the night before. Soon the inner chambers were lighted by orange fire. Fire always made the ancient carvings seem alive with the flickering of the flames. The walls seemed to crawl with Moche people.

Looking at the blood on his sword, Leo remembered reading something about ancient cultures. They had practiced in the religious and pagan practice of human sacrifice. Once those walls were flooded with the cries of captured soldiers or some poor farmer or virgin. On the top of the temple still stood a broken alter Leo studied earlier, and it had old marks from a sword. Blood possibly had once slipped through cracks on that alter. Now blood was gone; something gone yet remembered.

Was this something Splinter wanted him to learn? Leo sat watching the flames. Now is when he missed his sensei and brothers. Here where the silence grew like darkness after dusk. Leo laughed sadly when he first realized how much he missed those things that use to annoy him. He missed Mikey's jokes, loud laughing, overuse of the term 'dude', and overall Mikey cheerfulness. He missed Don interrupting his meditation sessions to test out the newest invention, and their long philosophical debates. He missed meditating with Splinter, and listening to his wisdom. Heck, he even missed Raph's temper and endless banter.

He missed them all. It had been a year, but he still hadn't finished his mission. Feeling lost as a failure, Leo leaned his head against the stone. He didn't feel like being the Ghost of the Jungle anymore. He felt like going home. However; that meant going home a failure. That was something Leo couldn't not allow to happen.

No matter how lonely the road.

* * *

Don and Mikey arrived home well before Raph and well after Splinter fell asleep. Between them was an unspoken law of silence until they were safely home. They had even walked home without a word; which was proving the impossible with Mikey. Don was almost positive that with something this…magnitude would have Mickey bubbling with questions. However the orange banded turtle only looked silently sad which only increased Don's anger.

"How could he do this to us _again_?" Don demanded finally. The question wasn't directed at Mikey or anyone in particular. It was just Don's way of releasing the rage in the best way he knew how- by asking hypothetical questions.

Mikey slumped on the arm chair but felt too emotional broken to turn the TV on. Don paced behind the beaten sofa in fuming frustration. Mikey numbly entertained an ironic thought. Don, the normally clam one, was acting more and more like Leo and Raph. Roles were being switched again and again with no warning or reason. Was this just another way of growing up? Did they have to change so dramatically?

But, right then Mikey didn't want to think. Today began with being beaten by youngsters with waffle bats, and the day ended in finding his older brother playing the lone hero for a living. Mickey wasn't mad. He just felt confused like someone took a bat to his brain. He didn't want to feel or think about anything.

Don was still storming but less murderously. Finally Mikey's brother tiredly flopped on the sofa. Don's eyes stared at the ceiling with no energy. Suddenly thick green fingers began to pull at his mask. Don didn't fight as Mikey easily slid off the purple mask from tired eyes.

Then there was a tired, mask-less baby brother on the other end of the sofa. Purple and orange bands were held loosely in his hands. _There was something symbolic in that_, Don thought dryly. Leo, with his philosophical mind, would figure that one out. He always thought so deeply into that type of stuff.

"Let's...just get some rest." Don offered. He was just about to roll onto his side when a sniffle caused his eyes to widen. Sitting up strait, Don sadly watched a sniffling Mikey.

Mikey was crying.

Mikey hadn't cried since his fight with Raph seven months ago. Mikey had suffered broken legs, arms, and such wounds that would have a seasoned soldier balling like a baby. They had been up against such odds and life threatening stress that would have a stable psychologist babbling like a child. However; these wounds and this stress was something worse. The family was broken. Even at the age of twenty, Mikey was abandoned by those he loved above himself.

"Mikey." Don whispered, scooting over. Mickey leaned into Don's embrace yet he held on to the mask to his plastron. Resting his chin on top of Mickey's head, Don let one tear fall.

This was something that not even Don could fix.

* * *

He felt good. Almost perfect in fact; jumping from roof to roof. True the armored suit was heavy and made the jumps hard, but it was so worth it. He felt invincible, complete, and free.

Reaching his bike, Raph looked to the East and the graying sky. Good things in life never last longer than a night. Early bird traffic slowed him slightly on his way back to the camouflaged garage. Surprised, Raph still found Mickey's van still there. Normally after his late night fights, Raph would find his youngest brother already gone to some birthday party in Brooklyn or somewhere.

Actually, Raph hadn't seen much of his brothers. Mostly their interactions were few and far between. Mikey hardly spoke to Raph. The Cowabunga Carl job seemed to take a lot out of him.

Don was another issue. Each time was getting worse than the last. Don was disgusted with Raph's attitude, and Raph was angry of Don calling him on it. Day and day passed and Don was becoming more like Leo. Wasn't one bad enough? Raph thought that high and mighty attitude was shipped to South America. What was worst was Don was the younger brother.

Hadn't they already had their tragedy seven months ago? Don failed as leader. The team was broken. This should have ended brotherly interference in Raph's personal life, right?

Speaking of the braniac, why was he up so early? Sitting at the kitchen table, Don sipped at his coffee mug. The lair smelled of dark coffee with no sugar. Raph didn't hate coffee; he just had other methods of waking up.

Raph looked at Don who bluntly ignored the other's presents. Was Don still angry about their last conversation? Raph shrugged. Last night's conversation ended with Raph storming off, and Don getting another lecture from Splinter.

Just when he was about to go up to his room, Raph turned hearing a sad whimper from the sofa. Walking over, Raph saw a very sad sight. Mikey was tucked in with two blankets, and a most washcloth over his eyes. Grimacing, Raph saw how sick Mikey was. The skin was pale, and despite the blankets, the youngest still shivered and whimpered in a feverish dream.

"When did this happen?" Raph asked with a barely visible tone of concern.

Don took a deep breath to clam himself before answering, "Last night. He was complaining about being so tired."

Stretching, Raph murmured something. "Moron. He should take better care of himself. Guess I'll go to bed now."

With one push of a button, Don had closed the upper levels with the flood tight doors. Raph stood there blinking up at iron doors. He glared at Don who sat there glaring back.

"Yo, Einstein, open the door."

Don shock his head, "No. Since you like doing things on your own, why don't you just open the door yourself?"

"What is this really about?" Raph demanded, growing impatient of Don's word games.

Don growled, "How long did you think you could keep your second life a secret, Raphael? Or should I start calling you Nightwatcher from now on?"

Raph's face froze in shock before he whispered, "Oh…hell."

Don looked at Splinter's closed door. Raph panicked, "You didn't!"

"No!" Don shot him back, "Give me more credit than that, Raph! Splinter doesn't know so don't worry. Funny isn't it, this isn't the first time we had to lie to father for you. At least you not shot this time, huh?" Don motioned for his lab and the sound proof wall. For once Raph followed without the slightest resistance.

After Don closed the door, he said, "I'm not mad anymore. I'm just…confused. I just want to know why."

Raph growled in frustration. He knew Don deserved an answer. In the end, Raph knew he couldn't keep this up for long. It did surprise him that Don wasn't mad. Heck, if the roles switched…

"Just tell me why, Raph."

Light was something manufactured down in the sewers; making things look fake compared to healthy sunshine above. Don's room was littered with disemboweled devices and blueprints of future dreams. He wasn't the messiest turtle, but he was a far cry from Leo's immaculate room.

Don hoisted himself on his clean working table watching as Raph paced like a caged tiger. He wanted to be there for Raph and to try to understand. But, Don would not let Raph's sharade break an already broken family. Something like this would be the final breaking point for them all, but they would get through this. They had to.

"There's a lot of reasons." Raph finally answered, his voice wavering. "I…I just couldn't sit here and do nothing. I couldn't accept that the good days were gone. I-I just remembered all the good we once did, and I couldn't accept that just because Leo's gone that we…"

Raph wasn't the best for explanations for his actions. Deep down, Don believed Raph's intentions were good, they always were. Raph was a rouge who thought things done alone was the best tactic.

"…that we no longer care." Don finished for him. Raph sighed yet again signaling to Don that he was, once again, right.

"We do care, Raph." Don leaned forward, stared at the stone floor. "Me and Mikey are showing it…differently. In a more passive way than you are. We've always done things like that. We're not saving the world anymore, but we are contributing to it in a good way."

"So…that's it?" Raph demanded, "You guys are happy with watching this city decay and rot?"

Closing his eyes, Don leaned back. Exhaustion was taking over- making him unfocused and sick. "I'm not a fighter, Raph. Not everyone has the same drive you and Leo have." He sighed, "You heard Master Splinter. Since the team has been disbanded, we're not allowed to do any crime fighting. So…that's why you're doing this, huh?"

"Ain't that obvious?" Raph leaned against the wall near the door's threshold. "You could guess Splinter's reaction to this."

Don narrowed his eyes, "Yeah, that's because this has happened before, remember?" Raph's face crumbled in guilt. Okay, he was loosing Raph. Don't play on past mistakes. "Anyway, why didn't you tell me or Mikey?"

Raph sighed in frustation. "I...I'm not sure, Don. Hell, I've done this before, right? I just had to get out and do something for those innocent people. I was...scared that if you found out, this would be the third strike. I haven't done much to regain your trust."

Don smiled, "I think you underestimate your own family. True, when I saw you in the alley…"

"Wait!" Raph gaped, "You saw me in the alley?"

Laughing, Don said, "Maybe I should say I found NW in the alley wearing my brother's face. Does that clear things up? Me and Mikey were done with work, so we wanted to go running like the old days. We heard Purple Dragons in the alley, and you can remember the rest?"

Raph grimiest, "Yeah…I…"

"Where was I?" Don tilted his head, "Oh, when I saw you in the alley I was mad, Raph." His smile faded to a frown that lacked anger, but it was underlined with disappointment. Raph's eyes shamefully turn downward, and Don found his assumptions were right. Raph didn't do this to hurt his family, but Raph was a fighter to the core. To cage a bird is to deny him flight which is what birds were created to do.

Breathing in, Don said. "You have good intentions, Raph. If I had you drive and heart, I would do the same thing. I _am_ upset at what your actions did our little brother. You do realize what this did to Mikey?"

"Mikey?" Raph looked up confused at first.. Then it hit, and his heart sank. "Oh shell. That's why he…"

Don nodded sadly. Something twisted inside; hot and aching. He swallowed finding his voice sounding hurt despite his efforts. "He's scared, Raph." Okay not good, Don kicked himself. He cleared this lungs free from that verge-of-tears sound. "Last night he realized that we're growing apart."

"We're not growing apart!" Raph interjected louder than intended, and that was it for Don. Something snapped causing an irreversible wave of emotion.

"Oh, really? Wasn't it you who said that this team didn't exist anymore? I know I messed up okay, but I want to you take some of the blame, Raph!" Don's voice was rising. "I can't do this anymore! I know I fucked up this family, okay? I just can't believe you would do this AGAIN!"

He didn't want this; any of it. He hated how broken and useless any attempt to stop the separation. He hated how his voice sounded so young, so lost like Mikey. Then the tears were coming, and the world caved a little more around him. He tightly closed his eyes and hid them behind his hands. Breathing only seemed to increase the sobs.

Then there were two strong arms holding him. He shivered both wanting to push Raph away and only hold tighter. Don both wanted to accept the inedible, embrace it, and then he wanted to push it away, knock it out.

It was like a vicious cycle the brothers were in. It happened three times since Leo left, and Don couldn't stop it turning. He wanted to hate Raph forever for his pride. He wanted to hate him for all the lies. Then he wanted to forgive Raph. Forgive with all his heart, and hate him forever. He coudln't have both. It was impossible.

Finding himself unwilling to choice what to do, Don just sat there on the bench. His face, covered in hands, pressed against Raph's chest. Soothingly, Raph rubbed Don's shell. Raph didn't cry; not in front of anyone.

"I'm sorry." Raph whispered; his voice low and sad. He meant it. Rarely did Raph show a weakness or apologize. He would cover this up with his anger like Mickey would with a lame joke.

Don took a break, and took a moment before saying slowly, "It's okay."

"No, it's not." Raph said in complete sincerity. "I'm such a idiot! We can and we will get through this. With or without…"

Raph was interrupted by the door opening. Both froze, both worried for the worse. Raph turned his head over his shoulder, and his grip on Don's shoulders released. Don looked over Raph's shoulder to see a very sad looking baby brother. A blanket was wrapped around shivering shoulders. His expression is what caught both brothers. Mikey looked oddly terrified as if at any moment he would toss the blanket to the ground, grab his nun chucks, and start fighting.

"What are you doing up?" Don scolded as he rubbed the remaining evidence of his 'emotional break down.' Raph looked like a kid caught with his hand stuck in the cookie jar, but soon that was replaced with a scowl.

Mikey bit his lip before answering. "Uh…Just here to um…"

"Come here, knucklehead." Raph commanded with open arms. Oddly Raph's voice was quiet, soft, and guilty. Don watched as Mickey's face melted to sweet joy. The blanket did fall to Don's lab floor as Mikey ran to Raph. Don was just about to advice against the brotherly hug since Mikey was sick. However, seeing the tender, sappy, and needed moment, Don decided to let it slide.

* * *

_Awwww...sweet brotherly time. However; we know what happens next, huh? Oh crap! LOL! Anway, thanks for reading! _

_-Weezellee_


	3. The Choices We Make

Disclaimer: um...shall I say yes and see what happens? No? Okay, I don't own anything. LOL!

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Chapter III: The Choices We Make

April had news from Leo.

"It's good to hear from you, April." Don smiled, "How was South America."

"Hot and humid." April sighed over the phone. "I found the last statue for Max Winters, though. So that's good news. I also have news from Leo."

Don blinked, as he sounded surprised. "Really? I haven't heard from him in six months."

"Yeah" April sounded sad. "Anyway, he's healthy. I found him in the jungle near the village he's been protecting. He sends his love."

Don laughed, "Sorry, April, but I can't really see Leo saying that."

April laughed, "Okay, so he didn't say that exactly. You know he means well. It's just the postal service is down for the season."

_Did the season last six months or what? _Don frowned at his own anger. _Where did that come from?_ "Did he…say anything about coming home?"

"I should level with you, Don. I told him things at home haven't been…good. I think that got him worried." Don closed his eyes and grimiest. Great, now Leo's worried? Don had just put a bandage on the old wound on his family, and _now _the prodigal son is worried?

Things were healing at home for the third time. Don still held hope that this time the wall between Raph and his brothers was finally down. Having Leo rushing home was…not necessary. It might actually make things worse since Raph blamed Leo for leaving. Things were getting more complicated.

"Don?"

Don shock his head, "Sorry, April. I'm just…glad." That was a half-truth, half-lie. "Things are getting better here. Honestly."

"You sure?" April asked with concern in her voice.

Don nodded, and acted his best to be happy. "Yeah! Seriously, thanks for everything you and Casey have done. This year...just hasn't been the greatest."

"No need to thank us, Don." April smiled. "That's what family is for. Hey, I've got another shipment. I'll call if I hear anything from Leo."

"Okay, bye, April." Don hung up the phone and stared at it. There was no real evidence that Leo would come home, was there?

Maybe Don's pessimistic attitude just needed a time out. Mikey was just the right prescription for a cloudy disposition.

Ordered to have a sick day, Mikey wasn't found on the sofa. The game controls and remote were oddly untouched. Normally, Mikey would have a field day with the entertainment center.

Walking to Mike's room, Don found him on his bed where Raph found him after practice that mourning. Here it was a little after seven at night, and Mikey was writing? In his lap was a worn journal Don had seen near Mike's bed often in the past months.

"Hey!" Don came in, and sat on the bed. "April called. She's back from Argentina."

Mikey brightened, but didn't look up. "Did she have a good time?"

"Yep." Mikey was sitting in the far corner, against the wall. So Don lied down on the rest of the bed. Man, did his back hurt. He had to stretch more between calls or something. "She found Leo."

Mikey looked up from his journal. "Really? How is he?" His voice was hopeful and happy.

"He's fine." Don yawned, "He's still protecting that village." Don opened his eyes to the ceiling. "She told him things aren't…good at home."

Mikey scoffed, "That's an understatement, but things are good now, right?"

Don nodded and smiled. "I really think Raph will turn around this time."

"Me too!" Mikey smiled, closed his journal and tossed it to his comic books. He stretched out next to his brother which sparked another memory in Don's mind. The memory was of all four of them laying together on an old blanket, staring at the ceiling and just talking. Man did he miss those times.

"Feeling better?" Don asked, turning his head and bumping it into Mikey's forehead.

Mike grinned big. "Dude, I haven't felt better in weeks!"

Don laughed, "Me either! Months actually."

A few peaceful moments of silence passed before Mikey said. "You know they'll find out about you-know-who?"

"I know." Don said solemnly.

Mikey turned a little, and said. "Why don't we…um…break the news before the Nightwatcher movie comes out?"

Don blinked at this. "Are you saying we should tell Splinter about the Nightwatcher?"

"Yeah, that might…you know…lessen the punishment a bit."

"Mike, we can't just tell Splinter that the Nightwatcher is a personal associate of his. Do you know the ramifications of that?"

Mike sat up, "They're going to find out sooner or later. Why not shut off the fan before everything hits the fan. Who knows, maybe Splinter will understand."

Don sat up, "Yeah, like how he understood _last_ time?"

"Dude, Raph just left with the cycle and the NW garb. Us knowing solved nothing."

"I disagree." Don didn't know where this was coming from. Was this was Raph feared? "Raph seems serious about changing this time."

Mikey glared directly at Don and mocked, "Yeah? Like_ last_ time or the time before that?"

"Where is this coming from, Mikey? Is this because of your fight between Raph? That was six months ago."

Mikey was obviously still bitter. "I'm not the one playing vigilantly. I'm not the one who lied three times to his brothers about the same darn thing. Face it, Don. He's doing it again. We're coving up for him again. I only want to tell Splinter because I'm concerned for his safety." Now Mikey was being defensive _and_ bitter.

"I'm worried too, Mikey." Don said softly as Mikey glared at the floor. "I know it's hard to forgive him. Especially since this has happened before, but we have to. He's our brother."

Mikey took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Don. I just…The Nightwatcher was such a hero to me. Raph is too. But their heroes in different reason. The Nightwatcher is the loner hero, and my brother is the one who's there for us, you know? It's like finding out that your father is Superman. It's awesome, but then he misses your graduation and baseball games because he was busy fighting stopping a robbery or something."

In Mikey's own way, he explained perfectly what the Nightwatcher situation did to him. Raph, Mikey's Superman, wasn't being a brother before being the Nightwatcher. Don never thought about that in that light, and it made him sick.

Pulling Mikey into a one arm embrace, Don sighed, "It's going to get better, Mikey. Have you told him about how you felt?"

Scoffing, Mikey leaned his head onto Don's shoulder. "Yeah, right. We hardly talk anymore. Why should the first thing I say be, 'Hey, Raph, are you too busy being the Nightwatcher to be my brother? I'll even let you choice the movie, big bro.' Sorry, Don, but I'm done playing the sad baby brother. I just…want things the way they use to be."

"Me too." Don sighed, "Me too."

* * *

Leo was leaving. What April told him about how the family was needing him hit hard in Leo's chest. After her plane disappeared into an azure sky, Leo turned to the temple to pack. Mostly he picked a few souvenirs. His bag was ripped, dirty, and sad looking, but it was still useful. Leo was looking forward to a closed shower and water that he could control the tempature of.

He thought about visiting the village one more time, but what would he say? Would he say anything? Could he just leave? They still held hopes that the Ghost of the Jungle would never leave. The Ghost of the Jungle would always be there to protect their village.

Guilt. It's a funny thing. Leo felt like being split in two. Half wanting to stay; half wanting to go. He couldn't have it both ways. Sadly he entertained the thought of having his family brought to him in the jungle. They would love it here, he sadly noted. Yet, New York City was always home for them, and Leo couldn't be that selfish.

Leo had wrestled with this predicament two millions times in the past year. Each month on the 14th, he held a special meditating session in where he would concentrate on his family. Each time he broke down with homesickness, but the homesickness lessened each month.

It scared Leo that a part of him wanted to stay in the jungle forever. It scared and fascinated him. He was terrified of the village's fate once he left. The soldiers were staying away for the most part, but they would be back once the danger was away. Then the village would…

No! Leo had to get home. He had to be the leader, the brother.

Zipping up the rusty zipper, Leo hoisted the bag over his shoulder next to his swords. His family needed him, so he was going to be there.

There was nothing complicated about that.

* * *

Raph tied up the last thug for the night. The police arrived to see his handiwork, and Raph grinned at this. It was an easy night. Crime was down because of the Nightwatcher factor. Raph found honor and pride in his efforts. When he fought, he could forget how complicated his life. All thought disappeared in a fight. There was only action and reaction. Punch, kick, kick, stab, repeat. These things were simple and easy to understand.

What wasn't so easy or simple was Raph's thoughts after that night's battle.

Guilt. It's a funny thing. Mikey and Don had forgiven him…again. Still his conscience still gnawed at him. This was the third time he mess up, damn it! Third time he broke their hearts with another set of lies. When was it going to end?

Raph had almost wished they had acted in anger. Anger was something Raph was an expert in understanding. Forgiveness and tears just rubbed against the grain, in Raph's opinion. He wanted Don to slap him; Mikey to yell at him again. Do anything but forgive and still love.

Why? Because Raph was far from forgiving himself.

But, that's the ramification of the choice he made.

* * *

_Short chapter. It needs to be because the next chapter is...bigger? Sure, let's go with that. LOL._

_Anway, thanks for reading. _

_-Weezellee_


	4. Picking Sides

_Hi, guys. Okay, important note. This chapter and the next chapter take place mostly durring the 2007 TMNT movie. I didn't ellaborate on what happended durring the movie because most of us, if not all, know what happened, right? I don't have to quote the movie, right?! Anway, this is the part that I've been waiting for since I started Thicker Than Water!! So exciting! _

_Disclaimer: If I owned the TMNT I would draw out the psychological, interpersonal aspects of the brothers' lives, and no one wants that! LOL_

* * *

Chapter IV: Picking Sides

"A liar should have a good memory."  
Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

Two days passed, and their leader returned home. His reptilian skin was darker from days in the tropical sun. His hands were more callused than ever before, and he had an aurora about him that Don couldn't define.

Was he happy that Leo returned? Defiantly Don was happy to have his brother back, and to have a since of unity again. However, Leo had come from his pilgrimage…changed. They all had changed, but Leo by far had changed the most.

For the better? Only time would tell.

"I Tech?" Leo's hairless eyebrow was raised as he expected Don's computer. Grimacing, Don nodded. _Here we go again_, Don mentally groaned. Did he get enough guilt trips from Splinter? He tried to lead but failed. End of story.

"The pay is great, Leo." Don said in his defense with an added smile for emphasis. Leo nodded at this, and offered a returned smile. But, Don still felt the disappointment. Either it was from himself or Leo; he wasn't sure.

Leo shared his stories around the dinner table as if he was the narrator for a warrior's novel. All listened in except for Raph. Clearly Splinter was impressed by his eldest son's exploits in the jungle. Leo came back a hero even if he believed he failed.

"How did you fail?" Donnie asked out of curiosity one day.

Leo sighed, "I…I was just so caught up in being a leader that I wasn't a brother first."

"You're a great brother, Leo. We haven't been the same without you." Don said as he sat on the sofa; fixing another broken thing. Leo huffed half-heartedly as if half believing what Don said. Inwardly Don shrugged knowing too well that dispelling Leo's angst was a donating task best left to the professionals like Master Splinter.

Life returned to an abstract painting of normalcy. Everyone was too well aware of the tension between Leo and Raph. What Don couldn't understand was why was the anger mounting? It was making Mikey worried which made Don angry.

Raph and Leo were at each other's throats. It was like they couldn't pass each other without an argument. Yelling matches happened daily. Everything Raph did or said, Leo had a stabbing criticism, and visa versa.

Don and Mikey stayed out of firing range most of the time. It was difficult when they lived in such tight quarters. Tension in the lair was as abundant as oxygen. Each fighting match that happened between the two oldest seemed to only add to the tension.

Sighing, Don poured himself yet another cup of coffee. It was the fourth that day, and it was only noon. Raph and Leo were in the dojo, at it again. Don thought about sound proofing every single wall in the lair.

Mikey walked in from his room, and looked at the open door of the dojo. Sighing, he sat down at the kitchen table across from Don.

"Fight?" Mikey questioned.

"Fight." Don sipped at his coffee.

"Nightwatcher?"

"Nightwatcher."

Mikey sighed, "Coffee?"

Don reached for the extra cup, and handed it to Mikey. "Coffee."

"Man, this stuff stinks." Mikey sniffed at the cup. "And, I'm not just talking about this sewer water. But we're out of ibuprofen." He then took a long swing, and emptied the Styrofoam cup. Sighing Mikey said, "Dude, we should seriously go on a vacation after this whole Winter's thing is over with."

"That sounds nice." Don sighed hearing something breaking in the dojo. Something Don would have to fix. More yelling from the dojo. Don sighed again. "How about we go to South America."

Mikey looked at his arm, "Awesome! I can work on my golden-green tan!"

"Don't ever change, Mikey." Don laughed, pouring himself another glass.

"Dude, how many of those have you had?" Mikey asked, "Trying to be Folger's number one customer, or something?"

Don shrugged, "Like you said, we're out of ibuprofen."

"Then why DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK!?" Raph yelled from the dojo. His footsteps were charging for the garage door. Leo yelled nothing back, but he let him go and walked into the kitchen fuming. Seeing his younger brother, Leo sadly frowned and walked up his room.

"Now he's giving us the silent treatment?" Mikey rolled his eyes.

Don kept looked at Leo's door. "No, I don't think that's it."

Mikey stood, "I'll go talk to him."

"You sure?"

Mikey winked and smiled. "Sure thing! Just save me a cup of your favorite sewer water, okay?"

Jumping the stairs, two at a time, Mikey saw Leo's door open. Candles were lit, and Leo was preparing for meditation. Instead of barging in he would have a year ago, Mikey just watched Leo from the slightly ajar door.

One year and fourteen days. That's how long it took Leo's totem journey, from start to finish. Sadly, they hadn't spoken since Leo returned. Really spoken, brother to brother.

"You can't come in, Mikey." Leo called, and Mikey made a very loud 'ep.' This made Leo laugh quietly and smile. There! Mikey saw Leo smile! Miracles do happen! Santa is real!

"Sup, my big bro?" Mikey jumped inside the candle lit room. "You know the invented an awesome invention called…the light bulb a few years back." Looking up, Mikey pointed. "Wow! There's one now. As Don would say, a true wonder to human integrity."

"I think you mean ingenuity." Leo smiled, "There's no electrcity in the jungle."

Jumping to the nearest pillow to Leo's left, Mikey grinned. "Dude, you are long due for story time. Now, humor you baby brother. What was the jungle really like?"

* * *

"You don't really mean that." Don winced as Raph's glare turned back to the skyline. "Raph?"

Raph bit his lower lip. An obvious sign of torment. "I'm not…sure. I just can't stand that he can just walk in from being MIA for a year. A whole year, Don. He walks in like a self-righteous savior ready to make things perfect. He's just itching for 'flaws' to point out. What does he expect? That we'll salute him like Hitler? He hasn't changed. He's the same pain the ass."

_We could say the same about another someone. _Don bit back the comment and hid it somewhere next to his library of unsaid comments. Day was ending, and Don felt the chill of twilight resting over the city. They stood on a rooftop watching a sad excuse for a sunset. The sun just disappeared to the West- no flare, no brilliance. It just feel to the horizon like an orange stone.

"Would it be so bad?" Don asked. Raph turned to him, waiting him to continue.

"What would be so bad."

Don closed his eyes, "Would it be so bad…to have Leo lead this team out of obscurity?"

"That's funny coming from you, Don." Raph said in a deep rumble. "What I'm sayin' is Leo comes in here like he's the one who'll fix everything. We mean shit to him because he's the one who will fix this by himself when he hadn't even been here. He doesn't know what hell we went through."

Don said, "I just want this family back, Raph. Don't you?"

* * *

"Cowabunga Carl?" Leo said slowly.

Mikey nodded, "Our piggy bank was severely anorexic. Poor piggy. Anyway, so Don and I got jobs. He did the I-tech smart stuff. And I just flung some Nerf nunchakus around, and got my shell kicked by sugar-high youngsters. Still it did bring in a wad of cash at the end of the day."

"Still, it sounds painful."

Mike giggled, "Dude, it totally was. But, it was worth it."

"Worth it?" Leo asked. Mikey sighed.

"Leo, Splinter…His heath was really bad once you left. That's why we had to get jobs."

"Oh." Leo's face fell.

"Hey, don't worry! He's better now! Seriously, he can still kick my butt, but that's not saying much." Mikey laughed.

Leo asked, "Mike, what was Raph doing at night."

Crud. Mikey grimiest. This was The Question they'd been dreading since Leo came home. Time for a lie.

"I don't know, dude." Mikey said sadly. He was playing the baby brother, sad card now. "I slept like a log at night. The only time we saw each other was at training."

There, he did it. Impossible as it seemed, Mikey just lied to his brother. Oh well, he had been taking lessons from Raph, the biggest liar of them all.

* * *

Then Leo's newest personal mission was ending the Nightwatcher's patrol.

"He must be stopped." Leo said forcefully one night.

Mikey asked, "Why?"

"It isn't right. He's going alone on these dangerous missions that he doesn't understand."

"We go on those missions all the time." Mikey said giving what he believed to be a good debate.

Leo shot it down. "Yes, but we go together. No one has the Nightwatcher's back, and he does it without honor. I've seen the graffiti and the news reports. This guy is in it for the fame of it."

Raph was going to say something; Don and Mikey knew it. Turning away with rage, Raph walked away muttering something about fresh air. Mikey and Don exchanged glances of worry.

"That sounds like a good idea." Don stretched and followed Raph to the exit.

Leo and Mikey were left. Mikey still sat at the kitchen table while Leo leaned against a wall. Seeing Leo's face in confusion, Mikey tried to ignore it.

"Since when did Don and Raph go together topside?" Leo asked.

Mikey shrugged, "It's happened before, dude. Because of his job, Don's been more of a hermit than normal. Master Splinter told Don he needs more exercise and junk."

"Is that what Raph does at night?" Leo asked, and Mikey almost faltered. Of all the brothers, Mikey was the easiest to read.

"Uh…I don't know, dude." Mikey shrugged, "Like I said, at night I am the log!"

* * *

"He's just so damn persistent!" Raph roared, punching another wall. "You saw that smug smile, Donnie. He's just itching to have us train for hours."

"He's just…adjusting. We all are." Don tried to defend Leo in front of the leader's greatest rival and critic. "Master Splinter wants this team back to what it was, and so does Leo. However; Leo's impatient about it."

"That's an understatement."

Don sighed seeing Raph close those doors inside him again. The restless city still buzzed everywhere, but they found small silence on the rooftop. Raph had done this, ran off in the middle of a Leo lecture, to cool down. Heck, he did that for years now, but just recently had Mikey or Don went with him. Partly to convince Raph that Leo would understand, and the other part to hold the walls from crumbling around them.

A presence arrived nearby, and both Don and Raph froze. Their ninja trained senses almost melting into the environment, but they relaxed when Mikey walked away from shadow.

Waving, Mikey smiled. "Nice night."

"You have better have kept your…" Raph growled.

Don interrupted, "Don't jump to conclusions!"

"I didn't." Mickey wove defensively.

Huffing, Raph nodded at this, and then turned. "I need to go for a ride…_alone_." He then jumped from the rooftop leaving his little brothers alone. They heard the cycle's engine, and watched the Nightwatching driving into the dark streets.

With a little bitterness, Mikey mockingly called to a brother out of ear shot, "You're welcome, Raph! Anytime you want me to lie to my brother, I'm your turtle!" Mikey growled, "Is it just me, or does Raph need a little vacation time in the jungle?"

"I bet he appreciates it, Mikey." Don offered as he began defending Raph now. Playing peacemaking was wearing on his frayed conscience, and it didn't help that his support system, Mikey, was now being just as bitter.

Turning into the Mikey Don relied on for sanity, Mikey smiled. "Oh, I know he does. Now that he is in our debt, I believe we need to raid Raph's beer stash. Come, Robin, to the Raph Lair!"

"Leo doesn't expect anything?" Don asked.

Mikey turned still smiling, "Of coarse he expects something. He's not stupid."

"Someday this will all hit the fan."

Putting a comforting hand on Don's shoulders, Mikey said. "Then we'll just have to clean up the mess. I hope you brought plenty of sponges!"

* * *

Things just got worse. Leo was asking difficult questions, and Raph played Nightwatcher every night. Master Splinter seemed to ignore all the pending conflict. Mikey and Don tried to keep things sane and happy while Raph and Leo stood like two opposing generals ready for war.

Raph threatened and pleaded to Mikey and Don to keep his second life and second secret. If Leo was suspicious earlier; he was almost speculating what the secret was. Jokingly, Mikey called it turning from tornado warning to tornado watch. The storm was coming; all they had to do was watch for the signs.

One of those 'signs' came into Donnie's lab late one night.

Being Mikey's turn to keep watch over the Nightwatcher, Don was called to watch Leo so he wouldn't find out. However; Don had just quit his I-tech job for good that night. Stress was building to screaming levels, so Don's brain called for all droppable stress to be removed from life. I-tech was first on the list, and Don left the job without regrets or a shred of sadness. In fact he was just about to go into a very Mikey-ish happy dance when Leo walked in behind him.

"Hey, Leo!" Don was in a good mood. The best mood he had been in months. He allowed himself one 180 degree spin in his chair. "I just quit that dumb job! We need to do something to celebrate."

Blinking, Leo laughed, "You have been hanging out with Mikey too long."

"I guess I have." Donnie smiled. _Was there something wrong with that?_ "So, what are you up to?"

Something bleed through Leo's stronghold, and Don saw it. That something was tormenting Leo badly, and Don dreaded his own guess at what that something was.

"Leo? Is something wrong?"

Looking at Donnie, Leo sighed again as he sat on Donnie's bed. _Here it comes,_ Donnie dreaded. He'll ask 'The Question' Donnie couldn't answer yet needed to answer.

"Don…are you guys hiding something from me?"

Direct hit. Don didn't stifle the sound of his breath hitching. Inside his stomach wrenched and his mouth ran dry. That look in Leo's eyes was heart shattering. Wasn't Donnie's nagging conscience enough? Why did it seam that Donnie's bo staff was lodged deep in Leo's shell?

"Leo." Don began slowly, and the pain was evident in his tone. It was something between a whine and a whisper. Behind his tired eyes, hot stingy pain began scratching. NO! He could NOT cry. Yet, when he looked back at Leo; Don wondered what he was fighting and why he chose one brother over the other.

_"Tell him. He deserves to know."_

_"No. I promised Raph, and who knows what trouble he'll get in. Leo will tell Master Splinter, and…and he'll disown him!"_

_"He won't! Leo and Splinter will understand. He might even try to help Raph, and you can have your family whole again."_

_"Do you want to betray Raph's trust like that?"_

_"At the expense of Leo's."_

_"What will you choice."_

_"The time is now!"_

_"Chose!"_

_"CHOSE!"_

"Donnie."

Without knowing, Don had lowed his head like a defeated warrior. Emotional exhaustion was winning over logic. His green fist clenched turning into a strained white, and the smart turtle never felt so lost. He had his share of map-less journeys where hope glimmered like a candle in the rain. Now that flame was gone; leaving Donnie wet.

As if on time, Leo's hand cupped Don's shoulder forcing him to look up. Gently squeezing, Leo waited for the answer behind Don's teeth. Struggling behind his mask, Don's brain reached a sad compromise.

_Don't look at me, brother. You won't like what you see._

"I…want to tell you." He said weakly, but he didn't feel better. It wasn't a lie; in fact Don couldn't say anything more true. The walls around him didn't feel so thick, but still Leo's hurt eyes were looking at him.

"I'm not in that position." Don offered a half explanation. Inside he mentally prayed a desperate plea to the God his logic denied. His prayer left him empty as he saw Leo's eyes drop.

"I see." Leo's voice was hard, unforgiving.

The wall between them grew as Leo stood. Reaching up by pure instinct, Don gripped Leo's arm. Turning Leo waited for an explanation for Don's action. Don's mouth was slightly opened as Raph's secret begged to be released. Stop the tension building behind his eyes and just tell him. One tear slipped behind a purple mask.

"I-I'm sorry."

Was that all he could say? That sad excuse for an apology? He was sorry for betraying and hurting Leo. He was sorry for failing at being the leader of a broken team in Leo's absence. He was sorry for failing. He was sorry for killing brotherly bonds.

The lair was too quiet, and the air was too thick. The pain was too much, and Leo's eyes were too cold. Inventions lied on the floor; some finished, others broken, and few not even hatched. Posters and blueprints lined the bricked walls, and the bluish light from the monitor filled the room. Here in Don's sanctuary, Don whispered something.

"Raph."

"Raph? What about him?"

"Just…I can't say anymore. Please, Leo."

"What? Donnie, what's wrong?"

* * *

"Why can't I come?" Mikey demanded sadly.

Raph stood near his motorcycle with the Nightwatcher's helmet tucked under his arm. The two stood in a small alley, and the clouded air was pungent with an approaching storm.

"Master Splinter doesn't want us to fight." Raph said for the tenth time. Mentally groaning, Raph realized he was acting like Leo again.

"Then what are you doing?" Mikey asked; folding his arms across his chest.

"I'm just going to answer a police stress call from the diner across town."

"You mean you're leaving to fight." Mikey said fully seriously. The hurt was obvious in this tone, and Raph sighed.

"You're not coming, Mikey. I have to do this alone."

"Why?" Mikey asked a little too loudly, "Why do you do this? Why do you always have to leave us behind?"

"I just…don't want you to get hurt." Raph said angrily.

"I can hold my own, thank you very much. Even though I'm the youngest doesn't mean I can't fight. We've had equal training and…"

"You ain't coming, Michelangelo, and that's final!"

Swiftly, Raph mounted his ride and donned his helmet. Mikey just stood there in the ozone and pavement watching his big brother ride off alone again. Once the roar of the engine droned off in the muttering of the city, Mikey snarled and released his anger on a few defenseless trash cans.

"Whoa! Mikey! Littering is against the law." Don climbed out of the man hole.

"I don't care!" Mikey snapped bitterly. Leaning his shell against the wall, Mikey slid down to sit on the cold sidewalk.

"What happened?" Donnie asked as he scanned the area, "Where's Raph?"

"Gone on his 'noble quest." Mikey spat.

"You didn't stop him?" Don asked.

Mickey growled, "I tried, Donatello!" Pressing between his eyes with his fingers; trying to relive the tension, Mikey asked. "So? How's Leo? Already calling a private eye on his brothers yet?"

"I wouldn't be surprise." Don sat next to Mikey. "I've never felt so guilty in my entire life! He asked if we were hiding anything from him."

"What'd you say?"

Don fell silent, so Mikey opened his eye. Seeing Don's expression made him gasp, "You didn't?"

"No!" Don snapped. "At least…I didn't tell him the whole truth. I only said that I wasn't in the position to tell him. Then I said Raph's name, but that was it. I swear, Mikey."

"Don't sweat it, dude. I would have cracked if he asked me that. Beside we both said this will hit the fan soon, right? Leo has to find out sooner or later."

"How about sooner than later?" Echoed a voice from the rooftop which made both Mikey and Don jump. Looking up the two younger turtles saw their leader, eldest brother, Leo, looking down at them.

"Oh shell." Mickey groaned as he stood. Leo jumped from the roof to block both the man hole and the alley's exit. His swords were still inside their sheaths. Don didn't move or even look in Leo's direction.

"What is going on here?" Leo demanded, "What do I need to find out sooner or later?"

Don sighed, "I told you Leo, we're not in that position."

"Well, I'm putting you in that position." Leo looked around, "Where's Raph, Mikey. Wasn't he with you?"

"He left." Mikey answered truthfully.

"Should I believe you?" Leo demanded.

Donnie stood defensively. Leo was _not _going to blame Mikey for this. "Yes, you should."

"I never thought you guys were low enough to keep secrets from your own brother." Leo snapped.

"We are not getting in the middle of this." Don frowned.

"It's too late for that, Donatello."

"You think we're doing this to hurt you?" The purple clad brother sighed, "We hate this more than both of you. I'm sick of lying to you more than being Raph's protector, okay?"

"So you're both choosing Raph over me? I hold no favorites between any of you. True Raph drives me crazy, but that doesn't mean I love him less than you or Mikey."

"We're not choosing Raph over you!"

"That's what it sounds to me!"

"Stop it!" Mickey yelled stopping the yelling match before it climaxed. Leo and Donnie turned to the youngest. "Man! Let's…just chill for a second, okay?" Turning to Leo, Mikey said calmly, "Don's right. We're not choosing Raph over you, but we're choosing to lie to you for both your sakes. Now we see that it was stupid, and we're sorry. What we're keeping from both you and Master Splinter would have ramifications that will shred what's left of this family to shreds."

"If Raph is doing something dangerous, it's up to you, as his brothers, to tell me for his sake and our own. What ever it is, I'll try to understand. I'm positive Master Splinter will too. If the secret is too damning, which I doubt, than I won't tell Master Splinter." Leo lowered his head. "I'm scared for Raph. I want to help anyway I can."

Don and Mikey exchanged glances. That hit deep, and each word had truth saturated through it. Don steeped forward, but before he could even breath in a large crash and a scream rang through the city followed by car sirens.

"That came from the diner." Leo gasped, and he began running to the rooftops.

"Leo! Wait!" Mikey called and was about to follow, but Don reached and gripped Mikey's shoulder.

"Let him go." Don said, smiling. "That's probably the Nightwatcher. We both said this would hit the fan. Maybe there is not fan, and Leo will understand. It's not our fight anymore."

"Were you really going to tell him?"

Donnie turned and motioned, "Come on. I quit my job, and Raph's beer is sounding _very _good right now."

* * *

_Ohhhhhhh! Fun times! Seriously I'm getting a high off of this stuff. Man, I love being a writer! We all know what 'happens' next, right? RIGHT? AHHHHH! Okay, I need to clam down. Someone teach me meditation or something. LOL_

_Anyway, thanks for reading!_

_-Weezellee_


	5. Bandages

_Here we go, peoples! A big howdy to _Wah-Keetcha _who found my account on Youtube (same name: Weezelee) Anyway, I won't blab too much. Thank you for reading, peoples!_

_Disclaimer: I own a cat name Annie, but not TMNT_

* * *

Chapter V: Bandages

"Sometimes being a _brother_ is even better than being a _superhero_." Marc Brown

"You WHAT?!"

Raph's guilt ridden eyes turned downward as Don stood there in total shock. Mikey wasn't far away as he sat with Splinter. April and Casey were standing near by also, and Splinter looked at Mikey's anger stricken face. It was odd for his once optimistic son to be soon angry.

Leo had been kidnapped after having his swords broken…by Raph.

"You've got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Laughing cruelly, Don added, "What fools we were! To believe that you've changed!"

"Donatello." Splinter called a warning. "What is this about?"

Not turning from Raph, Don said, "We knew, Master Splinter. Casey wasn't the only one."

"What?" April asked, "You knew Raph was the Nightwatcher?"

Splinter looked at Mickey and asked, "Is this true?"

"Yes." Mikey whispered, closing his eyes.

Donnie clentched his teeth, "We found out two months ago. Raph begged us not to tell anyone because he believed his own family wouldn't understand. That _WE_ wouldn't understand! We believed him, so we didn't say anything even when Leo planned to stop the Nightwatcher."

"We lied to Leo!" Mikey sadly added, "We were waiting for the right time. It wasn't like we could keep this up forever. We were planning on having Raph telling Leo instead of us; that way Leo wouldn't find out that we lied." Mikey feel silent, his face hiding behind his hands. This coudln't be happening. It just wasn't fair!

"Leo's smarter than that." Don continued where Mikey left off. "He observed our behavior and knew we were keeping something from him. Earlier today he asked me if I was hiding something from him. I told him I wasn't in the position to tell him."

Mikey stood to face Raph as he said, "After Raph left for the diner, Leo confronted us and blamed us for favoring Raph over him!" Already his voice was breaking, "Don was about to tell Leo when we heard the police near the diner. Leo ran off to find out what, and we expected that it was Raph as the Nightwatcher."

"We left for the lair hoping that Raph would reveal himself to Leo." Don growled, "That's what happened. Leo gave us a promise that he would try to understand Raph's reasons for such acts. Hothead here didn't give our brother time to breath before shattering his katanas. You almost killed my brother!"

"How could you, Raphael!" Mickey demanded angrily. "He's our BROTHER!"

Raph just stood there; taking his brother's angry gazes.

"So, what do we do now?"

"I'll tell you what we'll do." Raph answered stiffly, "First we're going to rescue our brother, and then we're going to save New York City."

* * *

They found Leo inside Winter's tower. A brief moment of brotherly love was exchanged between the two eldest. Don watched with curiosity, and just had to smile at Leo's forgiving nod. However; he did notice the forming burses on Leo's light green skin, but that would arrive in conversation later. Now wasn't the time. 

The four brothers found themselves in terrible odds once again. The stone generals stood in front of the swirling vortex where monsters were spawned from. They had 12 monsters for the sacrifice, but they needed 13. April, Casey and -ironically- Kari were somewhere in New York looking for that monster.

Somersaulting over stone swords and mallets, the brothers managed to dispose of the 'brotherhood.' Raph's man, Casey, delivered the monster with less than graceful theatrics. The cosmos were appeased, and the portal was closed. Winter's immortality ended in a flash of light and ash. The sun rose like any other day, and there seemed to be hope in that sunrise.

So why did the air feel like iron when they came home?

April and Casey returned to their apartment, and Kari, with her ninja followers, disappeared in smoke. Don checked everyone's cuts and boo-boos, but all were fine. Or at least not bad enough a good dose of Advil and a good night sleep wouldn't cure.

Splinter called off training sessions for the next day.

Things couldn't be further from normal. All was tension without the anger behind fleeting gazes. Somehow no one wanted to initiate the conversation they had to have. Things between Leo and Raph were still in 'construction mode.' Mikey and Donnie walked for a conference in Don's room.

"Tonight was defiantly not one of our best." Don sighed; sliding to his bed without energy. Not only did every bone ached, but a total brain shut down was very tempting at the moment.

"Life should be more like sitcoms where problems are solved in 30 minutes." Mikey hummed as he sat next to Don. Although this wasn't his room, Mikey did not want to move for ten years or so.

Rolling his head over in Don's direction, Mikey said bluntly. "They hate us, don't they?"

Giving a sad laugh, Don shock his head, "Not sure. Leo obviously does, and I can't blame Raph if he does. Us being in this room isn't helping things. Possibly they're thinking we're giving them the silent treatment."

"Can't we have a Hallmark moment tomorrow?" Mickey whined, "My shell is killing me."

Growling, Don sat up painfully. "I think it's a good idea to go talk to Raph at least. Did you see his face earlier after we found Leo?"

"Why should be apologize for the bastard's own stupid mistake?"

Was that rage in Mickey's voice? Mickey was rarely enraged to the point of blunt hate or cursing.

"Mickey…did something happen between you and Raph?" Donnie asked.

Turning over to the wall so his back faced the computer, Mickey muttered. "I…I don't want to talk about it."

"Mike-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it!"

This left Don silent quickly. Without another word, Don pulled the blanket over Mickey's shoulders. He turned off the lights, closed the door and left his own room.

"Donnie, wait I…" Don didn't want to hear Mikey's explanation and/or apology. He had to see Raph and maybe, if luck, Leo. In separate rooms were his brothers brooding and sulking after an emotionally draining battle.

The lair's living room was deserted yet all the lights were still on. The TV monitors were black, and Don was grateful to see all their weapons on the rack. This meant no one had left for some fresh air.

First, Raph's room. Don noticed his brother's room door was slightly ajar but every light was out. There wasn't even the faint red light of his alarm clock. Knocking first, Don called out quietly Raph's name, but what answered him was a stifled sniff.

Don steeped into the dark room seeing Raph lying in his hammock. The light from the hallway crawled on the floor and up the wall across. Don saw an alarming sight. Raph was crying with thick tears running down his face. The blanket over his chest heaved upward in the hard sobs racking from Don's older brother.

Raph only cries when things go from bad to hell.

Walking in, Don said nothing as he rested a hand on Raph's chest. Raph mustn't have heard Don because Raph's red blurred eyes snapped opened.

"Leo?" His obviously worn voice questioned.

"No" Don shock his head, "It's me."

"Don? What are you doing here?" Raph asked with a hint of his same, old spirit. Don released the breath he'd been holding for a while. Seeing Raph crying, so broken, was a sight rare and frightening.

"Just…um...came to check up on you. You…uh…hit your arm pretty hard." Don was grapping at spider web strings for an excuse. Raph's pride was already shattered, steeped on, and ran over, so knowing that your _younger_ brother came in to give a pep talk would be the straw to break the turtle's shell.

Going with this excuse, Don lightly brushed the wrapped arm. It wasn't dislocated or anything alarming. Only there was pulled muscles in the bicep and elbow, and the purple bruises were enough to have Don opening the first aid kit.

"You ain't here for my nightly check up, are ya, doc?"

Caught green handed. Don shock his head and expected Raph to close off and tell him to leave him the hell alone. However; Raph's face smiled sadly at the gesture. He was grateful for it- that was obvious.

"I guess I fucked everything up again, huh?" Raph sighed.

Don wanted to say something to deny Raph's guilty place, or to apologize. If Don said that it wasn't Raph's fault, Raph wouldn't believe him, and neither would his own conscience. This was no time to point out the guilty party especially when said party is lying in a hammock crying to near dehydration.

"Let's just…say we all share a piece of the blame." Don said, not raising his hand from Raph's bandage.

Scoffing, Raph just had to add. "Yeah, and guess who wins the blue ribbon for biggest piece?"

Don said nothing. This left Raph to fill in the silence with his deep voice telling of his crime. "First I get shot and the team is disbanded. Splinter still blames you when the blame is rightfully mine. Then I go against my father's orders and create the Nightwatcher. After you find out, I make my little brothers lie…"

"No one made us." Don interrupted softy. "If you were doing something truly dangerous like drugs or something, I would be in Splinter's room in a second. So would Mikey."

"Oh Mikey." Raph sighed giving away the evidence that something had happened between the two. Don was about to ask what, when Don felt a presence near the doorway. Turning, Don meet Leo's own worn eyes. Tiredly Don noticed the irony at where he was placed- between Leo and Raph.

"Donnie? You should be to bed." Leo sounded so tired. "And where's Mikey? I looked in his room, but he wasn't there."

"He's sleeping on my bed." Don answered turning to see Raph's amber eyes mix with fear. Reaching for Raph's hand, Don tightly held it firmly and felt a squeeze in answer. Releasing his hand, Donnie walked away from the hammock, and stopped in front of Leo.

* * *

_"I'm…just leaving Donnie. I'll be back someday; when Splinter thinks I'm ready. Promise you'll watch over the others."_

_"You will lead your brothers in Leonardo's absence." _

_"Ani! Jikangire! (Brother, we're running out of time!)" _

_"He can't make a mistake because if he does…"_

_"You can't turn a blind eye to this, ya know? This shipment is happening in your backdoor, and ya don't wanna do anything about it?"_

_"I know you want to prove to him that you're an awesome leader and stuff. But you're not just the leader now. You're Super Don! You're housekeeper, Splinter's nurse, Raph's punching bag, my psychologist, and now the teams leader? Dude, you may be Super Don, but your not God."

* * *

_

"Leo…" Donnie tried, but found his voice oddly tight. The tears soon followed- hard, fast, and without remorse. "Leo, I'm…"

Reaching up, Leo gently rubbed the steady stream of tears with the pad of this thumb against Don's face. In the blurred vision, Don swore he saw tears in Leo's face as well. If Raph crying was a rare sight; Leo crying happened next to never.

* * *

_"I am even more ashamed of Donatello. You were to lead you brothers, and because of your actions your brother has been injured. There are no excuses when you are the leader, my student. This team has suffered greatly, and I have no choice but to disband this team. You cannot fight as ninja until you learn to live as a family. That means united in cause and heart."_

_"It's not your fault either, Donatello. My God, Donatello, It's not your damn fault!"

* * *

_

Embracing the brain of the family, the leader whispered, "Go to Mikey. Get some sleep, okay?"

_"Don…are you guys hiding something from me?"_

_"I…failed, Leo."_

"I'm sorry." Now he was silently sobbing on Leo's shoulder, "I'm so sorry, Leo."

Leo released Don, and walked further into Raph's room. Taking that as Don's turn to leave, he walked back into the hallway; leaving the door open. When he walked into his dark lab-bedroom, Don saw the computer monitor was glowing blue. This struck him as odd until an old memory surfaced.

Once Mikey was scared of the darkness. During their childhood Mikey's irrational fear was the blunt of too many jokes and pranks from mean, older brothers. When the fear still existed when Mikey turned ten, Master Splinter took Mikey on a journey deep into the sewers. When they returned Mikey tossed his Aladdin nightlight. He didn't need it anymore.

The fear was completely dead; only psychologically repressed as Donnie diagnosed it. (W: Had to toss Psychology in there, didn't I?) The fear would only arise when Mikey was already scared or in tears. Time after time Mikey would sneak into Don's or Leo's bed during a black out or after a truly terrifying battle. Even a time or two Don had found Mikey snuggled next to Raph on the small hammock or nestled next to his father on his futon.

Mikey was still awake, and the blanket shivered with each sob. His face was turned toward the bluish light of Don's computer monitor. Sighing, Don walked over as Mikey scooted over gratefully to make Don room on the mattress. After cuddling a crying baby brother, Don turned off the monitor who's light was no longer needed.

Mikey hiccupped once or twice where his head lied on Don's shoulder- tucked under Don's chin. Bandage arms held Don like the old stuffed panda bear Mikey still slept with. The panda, Toto, would sleep alone this night.

Listening until Mickey was sleeping easily, Don rubbed the tears away from his own eyes. On the back of his hand was a gaze bandage covering a deep gash. Two bandages were on Mikey; one on his right forearm, the next on his kneecap that was now pressed against Don's calf. Leo had too many bandages that Don lost count. Splinter, their father, had only one over his chest. They all had bandages. Some not as visible as others.

* * *

_Does someone have a tissue? sniff Dude, am I sappy, or am I sappy?! Anway, thanks for reading. Obviously, this ain't the end. One more growing pain, and then I'll stop tormenting them, okay? LOL! Thanks for reading!_

_-Weezelee_


	6. Kill Me Already

_Hi, ya'll. This is a very overdue update and an ever more overdue Raph and Leo, post-Nightwatcher chapter. Seriously, did anyone else think that the movie left out a heart feelt appology from Raph. The appology was done in two sentences!! Anway, I'm the Psychology major who wants people to write books about their feelings. I can get caught up in that. LOL! I'm using the lyrics from Linkin Park's song "Leave out All the Rest" Song fic, I know. Fun times! The song is soooooo Raph talking to Leo!!_

_Disclaimer: I own...lots of dots...not TMNT or Linkin Park or this song...Me loves dotes..._

* * *

Chapter VI: Kill Me Already

_"It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and_

_ gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own." Jassamyn West_

_Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat._

Raph was alone in the dojo- practicing old katas they all perfected years ago. His mind was elsewhere, his soul even further from his body. It was like his body was autopilot- going through the motions without thinking.

_I dreamed I was missing  
You were so scared  
But no one would listen  
Cause no one else cared_

He almost killed his brother. Hell, he killed his family.

After a the dragon kick that left him on one knee, Raph pounded a fist into the unforgiving mat floor. It was like someone took a hammer to Raph's chest, and all the blame came rushing in like a tidal wave. Raph was drowning in his own guilt.

Last night was hell. The worst night in Raph's past- no exaggeration. It was like a bad dream, a nightmare, but it was real. Too real.

_Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat._

Sweat dripped, and soon his mask was saturated. His lungs heaved. Wishing to scream, Raph stopped his kata. He was alone. Raph liked being alone.

_After my dreaming  
I woke with this fear  
What am I leaving  
When I'm done here_

So if you're asking me  
I want you to know

He had so much anger in his chest. He wanted to scream, kick, or kill whatever it was that did this! All fingers pointed to back to him- even his own. When he caught Leo under his sia last night, it was like watching a movie. He couldn't stop his actions. Chop it up to a lack of self-control when anger became too much. Call it a bad personality temperament. Call it whatever you wish. Truth was, Raph hated himself for having all the bitterness.

Did he hate Leo? No. Honestly he didn't. Once you dig at the layers of red anger of Raph, you would find one sad turtle. Did everyone believe Raph could be defined as the black sheep of the family? He was made of more than swear words and anger. Splinter had always been able to see through the anger, he saw Raph. "My son, you are more than this anger."

Problem was, Raph didn't believe one word of it.

_When my time comes  
Forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some  
Reasons to be missed_

_Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat._

If anyone dared hurt one of his brothers, the person would have a sia shoved in their mouth in two seconds. No questions asked.

Raph never speculated, asked questions, or thought before acting. He just did whatever his gut told him. He was a slave to his own wants and his anger. Raph was everything Leo convicted him as: impulsive, irrational, selfish, manic, hothead.

Problem was, Raph's heart believed every word of it.

_And don't resent me  
And when you're feeling empty  
Keep me in your memory_

Leave out all the rest  
Leave out all the rest  


_Kick, punch, dragon kick, land, upper cut, back flip, repeat._

"How long have you been there?" Raph asked the presents he sensed at the front door fifteen minutes ago. The presents didn't move or even flinched only watched. Watched Raph as he pushed himself to near exhaustion with a child's kata.

"Not long." The presence lied. Raph closed his eyes. It was Leo. Possibly, out of all his brothers, the one he could not talk to. Too much guilt. Too much guilt.

"Care to spar?" Leo asked in a voice the reminded Raph of the old Leo. Raph knew what Leo meant by 'spar.' It was never just a spar, it was time to talk.

Raph shrugged, "Sure." His heart feel like lead to his stomach seeing Leo still not fully healed. Some of those wounds were due to the fight at Winter's tower, but other were…

"No weapons?" Leo questioned as he walked in front of Raph.

_Don't be afraid  
I've taken my beating  
I've shared what I made  
_

Raph swallowed back an emotion. He keeped this emotion within himself. He couldn't let anyone see this again. Never ever. Especially Leo.

"No weapons." Raph repeated softly. Oh damn, now he sounded just as conflicted as he was inside. The mask Raph crafted out of anger was cracking, and he was scared of what was underneath it all.

Scared.

_**I'm strong on the surface  
Not all the way through  
I've never been perfect  
But neither have you**_

They stood silently, facing each other, like that rainy night on Red Eye Hotel rooftop. Leo poised for an attack, and Raph did also. Though he stance was weak. Never in his life did he ever not want to fight. He didn't want to fight Leo. Never ever.

Leo was first to attack. This fight was opposite of the fight that night. No weapons, Leo attacked first, Leo's idea to fight, and Raph's reluctance to fight. The only same thing was emotion was the motivation for both fights.

Leaping into a dragon kick, Leo started this fight. Raph crouched low and rolled away from the spinning attack. Easily diverted, Leo regained his footing while landing, and he looked to Raph. Why wasn't he attacking back?

_Forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some  
Reasons to be missed_

Don't resent me  
And when you're feeling empty  
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest  
Leave out all the rest

Leo tried again. Same attack, same results. The old Raph would be cursing and teasing Leo at being a ninja rendition of a broken record. However; Raph just poised for another attack. He wasn't even trying.

Turning up the heat, Leo tried a few close-range punches. Raph easily deflected them, but he wasn't counter-attacking. It was all blocks without punches. Hesitating for an instant, Leo waited to see if Raph would take advantage and attack. He didn't. He only waited for Leo to attack.

He was trying not to…

"You know" Leo said teasingly, "I think I can get a better match out of the punching bag."

_Forgetting  
All the hurt inside  
You've learned to hide so well_

Raph didn't smile. He only continued with defensive blocks. This changed Leo's attitude instantly.

"Talk to me, Raph." Leo demanded in a solid voice.

_Pretending  
Someone else can come and save me from myself  
**I can't be who you are**  
_

Nothing. Only more blocks from a broken man. Leo's anger was building. Since arriving home absolutely nothing was the same. Mikey never joked. Don never invented. Splinter only stared blankly at walls. Now, Raph was broken.

All these changes pissed Leo off to no end.

"You're still thinking about the fight?" Leo snarled as his attacks became less friendly. "It wasn't completely your fault, Raph! If I had only listened! If I only had paid attention to you instead of acting like Hitler. It wasn't all your fault, okay? Stop blaming yourself! I'VE FORGIVEN YOU!"

**_I can't be who you are_**

Blinded by rage, Leo had side kicked with all energy. Raph was slammed into the wall, shell first. Without a shell, the impact could have easily done major damage. Pieces of brick broke off and feel like rain around Raph.

"Oh God!" Leo breathed, and rushed over. "Raph! I-I'm sorry!" He knelt to his brother who was mumbling something. "What?" Leo asked.

"Kill me already."

**_I can't be who you are_**

"Wha…Raph?" Leo was speechless.

Raph stood without help, and started walking out of the dojo.

"Raph! Wait!" Leo reached out. Raph turned quickly.

"You heard me, Leo!" Raph yelled in a voice that was broken but mad. Mad at who? "Just…kill me already!"

Leo's heart instantly yelled NO at Raph. Only Leo's voice was lost somewhere in the force of those words. He only stood there with a fallen face. Raph's eyes turned away.

"I more that deserve it" Raph whispered. "I almost killed you, Leo."

Leo finally found his voice, only to find it broken and screaming. "I told you already, Raph. I forgave you!"

"That doesn't change a thing!" Raph yelled back. "If anyone else dared touch you I-I would've killed them! No one does that to my brother…not even me."

"We get in fights all the time, Raph." Leo said sternly. "I knew you wouldn't actually kill me."

"How do you know?!" Raph demanded. The invisible tears evident in his tone.

Leo eyes widened before he answered softly. "Because…you're my brother. I know you Raph. Please…tell me what you're feeling."

Asking Raph to tell his feelings once was the most ridiculous favors to be asked. More than telling Mikey to be serious. More than telling Don to stop thinking. More than telling Leo not to worry.

"I can't." Raph tried to pick up the broken pieces of himself. Truth was, he didn't know what he was feeling. Anger? Maybe. Doubt? Yes. Guilt? Hell yeah!

"You know I love you, right?"

All the sincerity Leo put in that question hit Raph right between the lungs. Layer by layer, Leo was digging through Raph's shield. Soon he would see what was behind it all. Behind all the anger, rage, and red.

Raph closed his eyes. Oh God, this hurt. He was so scared. The guilt was too much to handle, and he was being crushed under it all. Tears slipped from his closed eyes.

It hurt.

Suddenly Raph found himself in a strong embrace of his older brother. Raph's legs failed him, and the tears fell quickly. And, then it was all gone. Leo caught him, and both slid to the floor.

_Pretending  
Someone else can come and save me from myself  
I can't be who you are  
**I can't be who you are**  
_

* * *

Hours passed, and Raph regained his composure. Raph had never broken down like that in his life. He was the turtle that didn't cry. Sadness was expressed with more anger. Guilt and tears were expressed with anger.

Raph looked away from Leo. Leo smiled at him like Leo would smile at Mikey after a bad dream. Damn, that was embarrassing. Could the great cosmos just erase the past year. Hell, Raph would be happy with just that moment to never had existed.

"If you tell anyone…"

Leo laughed seeing the familiar spark that was Raph. "Don't worry. I won't even mention it."

Raph smiled back in appreciation. Leo sighed and leaned against the dojo wall.

"So…what did happen when I was gone?"

Raph took out a sia, and sadly huffed. "That's a loaded question, bro."

"I know." Leo looked at the sia. "But no one's giving me strait answers."

Twirling the ninja dagger, Raph sighed. "I fucked up three times, Leo. Twice with you and once with Don."

Leo tiled his head to look at Raph's face. "Three times?"

"The first was when Don got shot. You know, before you left. Mikey and Don didn't tell us because they were afraid about us fighting more. Don wouldn't have gotten shot if…I had just…" Right then Raph could guess what humans felt in a Catholic confessional box. Their underground dojo was no Catholic church, and Leo wasn't a priest. Leo was his brother. That's what made his harder.

Raph took in a breath. "After you left, Splinter assigned us a new leader."

"You?" Leo guessed almost knowing what he said was the truth.

Raph shock his head, "No…Donnie."

"What?" Leo asked, his breath broken. This was news. "But, before I left, I made you leader."

Raph laughed, his old snide chuckle. "Splinter must haven't heard you."

"Splinter told me that he disbanded the team once…I left."

Raph turned strait to Leo. "You've got to be kidding me." Raph's old fire came through again. "Sure the team was disbanded after I got shot, but…"

"Whoa!" Leo interrupted, "You got shot?"

Raph nodded, "Yeah. That was strike two…"

Leo just stared at the dojo mat ahead of him. Raph had told him everything- holding back nothing. It was like finding out the killer at the end of a mystery movie, but this time…the victim was your family. The murderer was the family.

"I…" Raph sighed. "I miss you, brother. That's what got me so angry to begin with. Don's hates conflict in any form, and I got angry at him for not taking action. After I went on that mission alone and got shot, Mikey and I got in a real bad fight." Raph laughed softly. "Okay, so it was mainly him yelling at me. I deserved a lot more that just Mikey calling me an ass."

"Then Don was…removed from leadership?" Leo said. Raph nodded.

"The team was disbanded. Crime still existed, but there were heavy laws placed after my second strike. That's when I became the Nightwatcher. Mikey and Don found out right after Casey." Raph sighed in all his guilt. "They protected my secret for two months. You know what happened after that."

Leo exhaled after taking a deep, cleansing breath. Wow, that was…surprising and shocking to learn. They had managed to leave out those details in letters. Leo grimiest, actually Leo's last letter was from Mikey about three weeks after he left. 11 months passed with no word, only that quick phone conversation between him and Don.

He turned to his brother. Now he understood Raph more. After that fight on the rooftop a few days ago, Leo just thought it was simple to explain. The team was disbanded when Leo left. Raph became angered by the crime. Became the Nightwatcher, and all that is done is done. He didn't know that Raph's emotions had been pent up for months!

"It's all my fault, Leo." Raph growled lowly as he stared at the mat. "All of it. I just kept messing up, and you guys kept forgiving me. It became a cycle that had no end. There's no one to blame but me."

Leo could have said, _No, Raph! None of it is your fault! _But, it sounded so fake like a dirty lie. Covering up what Raph did would be an insult to his character.

"Let's just wipe the slate clean, okay?" Leo offered. Complete and utter forgiveness felt cleansing, at least to Leo. Starting over with everyone on the same page, but he knew it wouldn't be easy. Heck, was anything they did easy.

"It might be…too late." Raph grumbled. Too late. Too many strikes against him.

Leo smiled. "Just have hope, little brother!" He put an arm over Raph's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "What doesn't destroy us only makes us stronger."

Raph scoffed, "Is that an order, fearless?"

"Why not?" Leo stood, "I order you to have faith. How's that? Too Gestapo?"

"Man, what with you and all the Nazi references?" Raph took Leo's hand that was offered down to him. "Have you been watching Don's documentaries again?"

"Better than what you watch." Leo jabbed in fun. "Seriously, after watching your bloody movies, I need a bath."

"At least it ain't Mikey's Disney collection."

Leo nodded, "Too true."

"Wanna go for a run?" Raph offered as they walked out of the dojo.

Leo looked around the living area. They were alone, or so it seemed.

"Sure" Leo grinned before running for the door, "Beat you to Winter's tower!"

"Hay! Leo! No fair, you got a head start!"

"You've gotta catch me, Nightwather!"

"You're on Ghost of the Jungle!"

Laughter echoed through the lair.

* * *

_Awwww! I feel better now. The Psychologist who wants everyone to talk about their problems until their blue in the face...has been appeased. goofy grin Seriously, I love those boys! Through it all, I think they might have a very strong relationship! goofy smile of doom As always, thanks for reading!! Please REVIEW!_

_-Weezellee_


	7. Better Than Before

_I had WAY too much fun writing this chapter. Seriously! I have put these boys in a fun cycle of anger and shit, huh? Guess what, IT AIN'T OOOVER! LOL! Good time, huh? Dude, thanks for reading, and enjoy!_

* * *

Chapter VII: Better Than Before

Leadership has a harder job to do than just choose sides. It must bring sides together. **Jesse Jackson**

Donnie thought it for a while and realized each of his brother had a role, but the past few weeks; the Fates must have tried to regroup their broken roles.

In the end, Donnie wasn't a leader. Sure, when the time came to it, Don could give amazing advice, and it may appear that Don was 'leading.' But being a leader day after day was not his calling. Before Leo left, Don could only wonder if he could lead. During the year of his leading brother's absence, Don realized the answer to the question was a dead 'NO!'

The clicking of his own fingers on his keyboard was the only sound in the lab; or perhaps the lair. The city hummed around them, and the occasional subway rumbled above slumbering brothers and father. For years, Don used the peace of the night for work which developed into a habit bordering insomnia.

Sadly, Don realized. Days were now as quiet as the night. This hadn't always been so with three brothers. Someone was always talking, bugging him for a favor, asking him to fix something, or even seeking advice. Nowadays, things were still strained and conversation between his brothers seemed restless and difficult. It was like living in a tunnel full of strangers.

Sighing, Don stretched for a moment. His body tensed like it always did on these late night security checks. All the perimeter alarms were working like normal, and even the surveillance cameras needed little maintenance. It was a rutine check for him- uneventful and simple.

Then why did he feel so tired? Things should be getting back to a sense of normalcy, right? It had been at least a week since _that _night. Splinter had resumed their training, and the brothers held their nightly patrols in the surrounding area. Conversation was improving, yet there was still subject matter no one dared to touch. At first Don dismissed it as his brothers' way of dealing with things. Then days turned to weeks, and the Nightwatcher's name was almost taboo to whisper.

No sleep for the worry. Donnie clicked of the computer with a tone of lax bitterness.

"How's the system check?"

Don nearly jumped off his office desk he was so spooked. Darn Leo and his perfect ninja skills of invisibility. He didn't even hear his door being opened, but there stood the leader almost a yard away.

"Man, Leo!" Don said trying to regain a normal breathing pattern. "I've got to install an alarm system in my lab or something. About gave me a heart attack, bro!"

"Sorry." Leo shrugged, and steeped closer. "So…" Insert long pause. "How's the…eh…security system."

Don stood, "Good. Nothing new, but I'll have do a physical check on the perimeter alarms." When did their conversations turn so professional? Don could help but envision Leo as a leading general asking his engineer about structural reports on the battleship's engine. There was no "Hey, Donnie. How are you?"

"I think I'll do it before I go to bed." Don reached for his tool bag and a flashlight. "Those darn sewer workers seem to be waking up earlier now."

Nodding, Leo said, "There's more runoff since last night's storm. I'll go with you."

Again, Don mentally pointed. A year ago Leo would have tagged along without giving a safety reason to do so. He would just go and they would talk about philosophy where Leo preferred ancient above modern while Don was the opposite. They both held Plato as their favorite philosopher, and had even read the Republic together. Don laughed when Leo commented that Thrasymachus acted like Raph at the end of Book 1.

There was no healthy debate now. Just awkward silence where words should be as the two made their way further from home. Following their memory, they walked along the edge. Don's flashlight beam looked down the storm drain seeing a lot of debris. A memory resurfaced of young Donatello and Leonardo.

Eight-year-old Don showed his brother his recalibrated toy car when the car took a dive into the murky water. Reaching for it with a flimsy stick, Don was soon followed his car into the fast current. Leo, without a thought, dove after his brother. Leo saved Don's life that day which would turn into an unavoidable hobby of Leo's in the future.

"I wonder if its still down here." Don said out loud.

"What's still down here?" Leo asked behind him.

Stopping, Don turned and smiled, "The toy car. Remember?"

Doing a Raph response, Leo huffed. "Don't be silly, Donnie. That had to be twelve years ago."

"Right." Don said sadly. It wasn't like him to be so unrealistic, and it was equally rare for a brother to call him on it. Still, Don grimly sighed, wishing for things to remain was better than facing the truth, right?

"Hay, are you okay, Donnie?"

Nodding, Don said, "Yeah, just tired."

"Same here. Let's get this done, and go to bed."

Taking a breath, Don motivated himself to ask, "Leo, have you noticed that things haven't been…normal lately?"

Silence again. That was turning into an addiction for all brothers. Expecting Leo to brush it off, Don was genuinely surprised when Leo answered sadly.

"Yes, I have."

"Why do you think that is?" It was an innocent question.

"Maybe…we've grown up." Where had Donnie heard that before?

"Grown up or grown apart?" After saying that, Don almost regretted it after seeing the expression in Leo's face. It was like watching a little boy's reaction after hearing his pet dog was hit by a taxi. Instead of crying though, Leo's shock face turned into a solemn frown.

"That's pretty heavy, Don. Even for you."

Don nodded, "Things are better actually."

"I thought you just said they weren't."

"I said things are better. I didn't say they were good."

"What do you mean things are 'better." Leo asked firmly, and Don realized his older brother wanted his conversation bad enough. If he wanted the truth; he would get it.

Don tilted the flashlight so their faces could be seen clearly. He then said, "I thought Master Splinter told you? Or at least you figured that on your own."

"Raph was the one told me…everything."

Don grimiest. "How…much did he tell you?"

Leo told everything Raph told him that evening in the dojo. Raph didn't sugar coat anything. When Leo said it, the story was all in third person. Like some novelist telling a story- their tragedy. He only made the story his when he referred to himself in the first person. That made it real- too real.

Wishing for things to remain was better than facing the truth, right?

"That brings us here." Leo said simply. What was Don suppose to say to that? Knowing that Leo knew of everything, even Don's failure as leader, was relieving yet sad at the same time. They had crossed, burned, and rebuild way too many bridges in the past year.

Don inhaled, and turned up to where one of his perimeter security devices was nestled between two bricks. Don had chipped back the mortar of the old bricks three years ago when he invented the seemingly invisible alarm system. Brushing back some dust, Don found the button to push. He pushed it, and the tunnel in front of them became blocked with a visible curtain of red light. There was no penetration. The laser alarm system was like a hole-less shield.

Leo looked at the curtain. It was only made out of motion-detection laser. Nothing lethal, just a curtain of red light.

"This is my favorite invention." Don mentioned, and Leo turned to him. All was bathed in the laser's red light. That seemed to be the only color to exist- red.

"Why is that?" Leo asked, concerned at how Don seemed so battered.

Don turned to his brother, and gave a weary smile. "Protection." He looked back to the device between the bricks. "Remember when we were little, and Master Splinter had to take extra measures in keeping us safe?" Leo nodded, and Don continued. "Well, when I first came upon alarm systems, it was…fourteen years ago. At first, I was fascinated with the engineering and mechanics of them. When I first installed the system, Raph was the one to point of my hidden reason."

"He said…We didn't have to worry anymore, or not as much. It was like I was giving freedom and protection. I never felt to needed." Don pushed the button, and the laser curtain dispelled. "That's when I found my role in life in this family."

Don looked at Leo, before walking back down the tunnel. "I'm no leader, Leo. We both knew this before any of this happened. That's your calling in life. You're the leader, not me. Mikey's the sunshine in this dark place. Raph's the passion behind the fight. You're the guiding flame in our lives." Don chuckled sadly, "We all have our roles here. Different shades of the same color." Leo looked confused for a minute then he understood.

"I never saw it coming." Don stopped; his back still to Leo. "With all my alarms and security systems, how could I've missed it? I was scared and addicted in trying to prevent something from coming in and destroying what we have. Then when you left and roles were switched, it all was destroyed anyway. Like someone deactivated my system protocols or something." Don began walking forward. "I failed…Leo. Not only in being a leader, but I failed at my own role. I failed at protecting them and allowing them freedom."

Leo had reminded the silent audience through Don's conviction and speech. When the anti-climatic end happened, Leo stood there looking back what where the invisible curtain of protection was. He couldn't see it, but it was there.

Don gave a hallow laugh. "Oh well, I guess I'm just thinking too much. Kinda ironic, huh?"

"Don" Leo said, "I-I'm sorry." _Was that it?! _Leo's heart demanded an explanation for the sad, emotionless apology.

Don looked back, and stared directly into Leo's eyes as if looking for something. Then he smiled, "Forget about it, Leo." _Forget about what? Forget about this past year? Forget about what Leo's departure did to his little brothers?_

Leo ached. Why did he see this?

"It's fine!" Don smiled brighter, but it was all fake. "Really. You're back, and everyone's alive. Isn't that what matters?"

Leo smiled back, and walked toward Don. Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms around his little brother who had to carry so much. Don tensed, and Leo could sense the emotions wanting to burst through so badly.

All the endless days where Don wondered if Leo was alive or not. All the endless demands that were placed on his shoulders. All the endless nights where he sat up to wait for Raph to come home broken and bleeding. All the endless questions in his brilliant yet weary mind.

Don was about to break, but at the final moment before the dams burst…he pushed away. Leo was left with empty arms and a forlorn expression. Don held his back to him, and Don held back his pride from him.

"L-let's go." Don said in a voice that leaked of unshed tears.

"Why?!" Leo demanded, louder than he intended. "Why couldn't you just say no! None of this is your fault, Donnie!"

Don froze, Leo could tell. Spinning around, Don's face held such anger that Leo had only seen in Raph's eyes. Tears were falling from those brilliant eyes that still held so much anger.

"Like hell it isn't!" Don yelled. "Look at the facts, Leo! Am I the only one who can see things objectively?! If I had only been honest about being shot that night before you left, then maybe you wouldn't have to go! If I had only said no to father about being leader, then maybe I could have stopped it all. If I had only had told Splinter the truth about Raph's injury, maybe I wouldn't have failed as leader. If I had only LISTENED TO RAPH then he wouldn't have to…" Don's voice broke, and it sounded so young, so lost. "I-If I had only listened. If I only was you…"

To say Leo was prepared for this would be a lie. In Don's guilt-filled frustration, he pounded once into the unforgiving brick of the sewer walls. Now emotions of his own where building in Leo's heart. Oh God, he couldn't take it!

Leo bit back his emotion and tears, and said firmly. "We all share the blame, Don. Not just you, okay?" He walked the distance between them and rested a hand on Don's shell. Don was shaking. "All we have to do is forgive and move on. That's what you do every time an experiment break, right? You forgive yourself of that mistake and you move on. Never giving up, Don. That's what I love most about you. Is that you never give in and you're so willing to forgive."

Don shivered again at the words. He turned away from the walls, and clung to his older brother. His hot tears running onto Leo's neck. All the dams broke in Don's soul, but Leo was more than confident that Don could and would fix this.

Fixing things was what Don was best at.

* * *

Leo walked out of Don's room later that night. Don was now sleeping peacefully. Seeing Don, the one who seemed to have everything under control, shock Leo up just a little. Hell, Raph's drama alone sometimes was too much, even for Leo.

Still, Leo looked to Raph's room, things did seem to be, as Don said, better. Turning to Mikey's room, Leo was happy to see Mikey sleeping with an opened comic book on his chest. Yep, things would never be the same, but they would be better.

Something still had to be checked off of Leo's list. His stomach felt like a stone when he mentally braced himself.

He had to talk to Master Splinter.

* * *

_Dun dun DAAAAAAAA! LOL! Masta Splinta has some explain' to do! LOL! Don't worry, this isn't a Splinter-bashing fic. I love that rat/master/father. Splinter isn't the only one who needs their eyes opened on the subject of family unity, huh? _

_As always, thanks fa readin!! WILL WORK FOR REVIEWS! (Okay...maybe not 'work' but...nm! just REVIEW! XD )_

_-Weezellee_


	8. Breath

_I is excited! smiles Sorry, this story is in need of a serious update. Anyway, this chapter may be considered...OOC-ish. Seriously, I tried to keep honest to characterizations, personality, and all that jazz. The turtle family is going through heck and it's only downhill from here. As all ways, thanks ya'll for reading!_

_Disclaimer: TMNT? What's that? Sounds like a Psychological issue! (don't own)_

* * *

Chapter VIII: Breath

Mikey stared down at his journal still opened on his lap. Like an author of a novel, he was re-reading those pages, seeing if he missed something or added something unimportant. Nothing major needed to be edited, and Mikey felt slightly proud that emotions on the pages were clear to see.

They would have to be because it was time someone else read those pages.

Looking up from the kitchen table, Mikey saw Raph crashed on the sofa. A frown appeared Mikey's face. He tapped the pen on the table, and rested his chin on his hand as he watched his brother sleeping.

_"You're not coming, Mikey. I have to do this alone."_

_"Why? Why do you do this? Why do you always have to leave us behind?"_

_"I just…don't want you to get hurt." "I can hold my own, thank you very much. Even though I'm the youngest doesn't mean I can't fight. We've had equal training and…"_

_"You ain't coming, Michelangelo, and that's final!"_

Sighing, Mikey closed his journal. Inside cover held a special letter to Raphael he had just finished. It was a metaphoric icing on the cake sort of letter. Sure, the letter wasn't sweet in anyway, but it was the truth.

Maybe he shouldn't do this. Mikey was about to turn around, and burn the journal. Then he would scatter the ashes and forget about this year. He would forget about how badly his brothers hurt him, and he would forget how they ignored him. He would forget the twisting pain that replaced a once vibrant heart.

No. Mikey couldn't just forget and forgive like Donnie. Call it being the baby of the family, but Mikey couldn't just let it go.

Raphael. Mikey knew in the end Raph did love them and he didn't do those things to intentionally hurt. But, Raph had done this THREE TIMES! Raph had lied to them half a million times, and they wouldn't be in the mess if it wasn't because of him. Leo wouldn't have to leave. Don wouldn't have to be Leo and loose his personality. Splinter wouldn't be so passive about their son's lives. And…Mikey…wouldn't have to…

What happened to him, Mikey wondered. Where did all this bitterness come from. Sure, he could say it was all Raph's fault, but Mikey let that get under his skin. He allowed that anger and bitterness to stay and fester like an infected wound. Don let it run off his shell like rain.

Don forgave too easily- that was the problem, Mikey noted. Raph could have stabbed Don in the neck, and Don would just pat him on the head and say, _"I forgive you."_ Raph could do it a thousand times and get the same reaction from him.

It wasn't right! What did forgiveness do but pardon Raph and allowed him just to do it again. It gave Raph permission to hurt them, to leave them…to leave Mikey.

Mikey stood from the kitchen table with journal clutched under his arms- against his chest. It was childish, Mikey knew, to pout about big brothers not taking him to go play. Mikey was twenty, an adult, or whatever that meant.

Mikey took the steeps needed to reach the back of the sofa. Raph looked so peaceful there, sleeping without a care. This only twisted Mikey's stomach with anger. It was all going to happen again, huh? Forgiveness didn't stop the Raph cycle of self-destruction, it only continued it- gave it energy.

No more, Mikey vowed. Raph was going to know perfectly what Mikey went through, and maybe this would break Raph's apathy armor he wore constantly. Maybe Raph would see if he wasn't forgiven.

Opening to the first page, Mikey put the journal face down on Raph's chest. A moment of guilt whispered in Mikey's mind, but he pushed it away. He had to do this. He couldn't allow his family to be destroyed…not even from the inside out.

No turning back now. Mikey steeped three steeps backward before turning and running for Don's lab. He was suddenly stopped by Leo who stood at the bottom of the stairs.

"Mikey?" Leo tiled his head, and then reached to place a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Crap! Mikey smiled trying to calm his nerves. "I think I just did, _Ghost_ of the Jungle."

Leo smiled back, and bat his hand gently at Mikey's head. Giving his best Mikey-giggle, Mikey played his baby brother card again. Looking up at Leo, Mikey wondered if Leo knew the hell they all went through. Knowing Donnie, he probably swept it under the rug, and said_ 'what is done is done.'_

"You're really okay, right?" Leo pressed the question again as his face frowned into a concerned expression.

Time to lie again. "Yeah, Leo-bro! Just tired." He stretched for emphasis. Should he yawn? No, that's a little too much. Smiling again, Mikey gave Leo a quick baby-brother hug, and walked quickly up the stairs.

Reaching to his eye, Mikey rubbed a tear away.

* * *

Watching Mikey for a moment before he disappeared into Don's lab, Leo turned back to the living room. His footsteps were firm and full of purpose, yet his heart was trembling as he approached his Master's door.

Master Splinter still had a lasting effect on Leo, not only as a father but as a master, superior. Splinter was Leo's general and he was that private with a perfection complex.

Opening the door slowly, Leo adjusted his eyes to the light of candles. Master Splinter sat on his futon in lotus position. His wise eyes were closed, and Leo feared he was sleeping.

"Enter, my son."

Leo obeyed. The room was spacey decorated to portray Splinter's philosophy of moderation. Japanese paintings hung on the wall. Scrolls of Japan characters lined the walls, and Leo turned to the center of the room where a picture of Master Yoshi reminded.

Leo felt a cold tingling through his fingers as he eyes locked with that of the master of his master. Master Yoshi was an ominous presence throughout Leo's life. Like a demigod heroes, Splinter and Yoshi captured Leo's awe.

Leo walked inside the room. Candle light danced on the brick walls, and Leo knelt next to his father's futon. Biologically or whatever said Splinter was no Leo's father, but spiritually was another matter.

Splinter's tired head lulled to the other side, and the old rat smiled tenderly at his eldest. Leo saw something new in those eyes, and that something scared him. Splinter's face was so…Leo couldn't even say it or believe it. Splinter looked old and tired. The vitality and zeal from the rat's smile was gone, and in it's place was a peacefulness and acceptence of the inevitable end they all must face.

* * *

"Let's leave."

Don blinked. _Where the shell did that come from?_ Don was in the middle of fixing the house phone when Mikey stormed into Don's lab. (Without knocking, might he add.) Don said hi, and the first thing that Mikey said was…'Let's leave.'

"What do you mean- leave?" Don asked as he patted his bed next to his chair where he sat. Mikey did not sit down. He started pacing Don's lab.

"Leave!" Mikey was not himself. "You know? Vacation? Somewhere! Anywhere _away_ from home! Maybe Canada for a year. We'll go to Europe!"

"Mikey! Mikey!" Don stood from his chair, and caught his flailing brother. Holding Mikey's wrist, Don forced his brother to look at him. "Breath." Don ordered, and Mikey obeyed. Pulling Mikey to the bed, Don forced Mikey to sit. Mikey obeyed, and his head feel to his hands.

Sitting on the chair, Don sat in front of Mikey. Don's hand rested on Mikey's shell. Taking a deep breath himself, Don said calmly, "Okay, now. _Slowly_ tell me what's wrong, okay?"

Mikey didn't raise his head. In a weak voice, Mikey said, "Raph's reading my journal."

"Journal?" Don's eyeridge raised a little. "You mean that book you've been writing in since…Leo left."

* * *

"Ah, Leonardo." Splinter smiled. "It is not yet time for our meditation sessions."

Leo nodded, "I know master. I come…" Leo's voice failed. What could he say? What was he asking for? Advice? Forgiveness? Guidance?

Splinter's furry hand rested on Leo's shoulder in a soft gesture of warmth and understanding. Leo felt his pent up stress whimper for release.

"Master, I-I'm so confused." Leo released a little of that stress, but there was still a lot more. "So much happened here when I was gone…more than…I ever anticipated. My brothers are conflicted, and they're looking to me to heal them."

Taking a deep breath, Leo added, "I have learned much on leadership from my travels this past year, but…I found no lessons on being a brother."

"My son." Splinter said with a smile, "You don't need to travel further than home's front door to find lessons on being a brother." Splinter's eyes looked directly at Leo, and he asked. "Something else bothers you, my son?"

Leo exhaled, "Master…I…" Leo took another breath. Breathing was the first technique learned for meditation. It cleared the mind. Vitalized the body. Soothed the soul.

"Why didn't you tell me what happened?"

Splinter closed his eyes, and took in a breath himself. "It does not help to dwell on past mistakes- especially on the mistakes of others, Leonardo."

"They're still suffering!" Leo's voice was slightly frayed. Crap! Splinter looked to Leo in mild surprise, and Leo continued, "Raphael and Donatello. They're…not healing."

Leo looked directly at Splinter, "Why did you make Don leader?"

"To see if he was a leader."

"He feels like he failed."

"That is because he did."

* * *

Raph woke up groggy as always. Still it was a nice nap. Lately Raph was feeling unmotivated and achy. His mood was in constant state of constant sorrow. It was a constant string of bad-mood days. All his hobbies waned. He even refused to spar with Don. His excuse…not feeling good. Casey even asked if he wanted to go on a skull-smashing raid. Raph's excuse…not feeling good.

That's all he could tell was he didn't feel good. Sure, he had half a million reasons. Starting with everyone in his family hating him. Raph leaned back on the sofa. They all hated them, but some covered that hate with word's like 'I understand' and 'it's okay.'

Alone. Raph looked around the lair. Typical, no one wanted to be around the hothead. That was just fine.

Raph didn't want to be around the hothead either.

Something feel off his chest and on the floor. Looking down, Raph saw it was Mikey's leather journal. He had seen Mikey writing in it once or twice, but it was an unwritten rule of privacy not to read.

What was it doing on his chest?

Picking it up. Raph found himself staring at the inside of the front cover. Writing in Mikey's hand in a red pen was a letter. It was addressed to…Raphael.

* * *

With his eyes wide, Leo gasped. His hands instantly balled into fist where they rested on his knees. The look in Splinter's eyes…He was disappointingly angered. The furry eyebrows slanted downward in the middle.

"Y-you don't blame Don for what…happened, do you?" Leo had to ask.

Splinter inhaled, "No. Not completely. He has learned an invaluable lesson in all this, but that does not alter what he did."

"Don did nothing." Leo defended.

"And that is where he failed."

"Raph was the one who left that night." Leo was now saying with increasing anger, "Raph disobeyed you, not Don. Don trusted that Raph would be smart about this. He trusted him again and again, but nothing changed. Raph didn't change!"

Leo wasn't breathing now. He was hissing in and out breaths of ozone. Why was it like this?! Why did they have a fall apart? Leo's brothers…they…

"Why didn't you make Raph leader?!" Leo demanded as he stood. His voice was rising. His meekness before his master that he kept for twenty years shattered, and now he was yelling. Yelling at _him_!

"Raph has always wanted to be leader ever since you gave that duty to me!" Leo paced back and forth. He was addressing Splinter, but he was talking to the walls. "He has what it takes. Sure he has his pride and ego, but he would make a great leader if you only let him!"

* * *

"You want Raph to read your journal?"

Mikey nodded, "Yeah. I do."

Confused but not lost, Don asked, "That's why you want to leave? You're scared of Raph's reaction."

"Wouldn't you?" Mikey looked up to Don. "I mean, I wrote some…bad stuff in there."

Don didn't like where this was going. "What do you mean 'bad stuff?"

* * *

Splinter sat strait now. "Leonardo, calm down, my son." Leo turned to face his father, but his eyes still held a rage. The anger was not to his father or anyone, but it was there…burning his soul alive.

"I know Raphael would make a great leader. I have seen it, and it was tested last week when he lead us to you at Winter's Tower." Splinter took in a deep breath before it erupted into a coughing fit. "Donatello is so mild and calm. He has a great mind. I only wanted to test him…to see if he was a leader. But…"

Leo hissed, "He's not? Don's the one I turn to when I don't even know what to do in a situation." Leo then gasped. All the pieces feel into place, and it made him all sick. "You put Don as leader above his older brother. Raph became jealous and anger at that, so he did what he always does when faced with authority…he rebelled. Don's passive leadership skills upset Raph more. Don went on less missions, so Raph had to leave for the surface because he's a fighter."

"Raph got hurt, and you blamed Don for it. You disbanded the team until I came back. Then the Nightwatcher…" Leo closed his eyes.

When this turn into an avalanche? When their close family turn into a clan of strangers? Was it something they could have prevented, or was this how things were suppose to be?

"Things happen for a reason." Splinter advised softy.

Leo growled, "This is all your fault."

* * *

Raph bolted for the door. He couldn't breath through the sobs. He was running. He was running away from the journal, from his family, FROM EVERYTHING!!

The journal lied open on the sofa.

_October 15, 2008_

_I HATE RAPH!_

_

* * *

_

Whoa! Good times? NO GOOD TIMES! Dude, I seriously need to write a funny fic after this. All this angst is bad for you health. Still, it's fun to write. Call it a guilty pleasure of a psycho-major! LOL! Anydangway, it ain't over! Thanks for reading!

-Weezellee 


	9. Wooden Swords

_I've got six words to say: People are going to kill me! counds words Wow! That was really six words. Damn I'm good! LOL! Anway, you'll...just have to read to understand what I mean. Hides It's really...good I promise! _

_Disclaimer: ME owning TMNT would only result in choas and the end of the world...or the end of bald chipmunks! Which ever sounds cooler._

* * *

Chapter IX: Wooden Swords

"It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea." Dylan Thomas

Leo closed the door behind him, but he didn't move.

Did…he just say those words to Splinter? Was that angry turtle really him?

Gathering the shatter remains of composure, Leo walked into the living area. Turning to the sofa, Leo noticed Raph was missing. Griming, Leo prayed Raph hadn't overheard anything he said to Splinter.

"I'm just saying you're being hasty about this, Mikey!"

"Some friend you are! I thought of all people you would understand!"

"I do understand, okay?!"

Another fight? Leo was irked by the fact that is was Mikey and Don of all turtles having the fight. That was one bond Leo didn't have to worry about.

Walking up the stairs, Leo turned once to the sofa. Still no Raph. Why was there a skinning feeling again when he looked to the sofa.

"You could just say no, Don. Man! You don't have to give me a lecture about it!"

"It's a bad…"

_SLAM!_ Leo arrived just in time to have Mikey running for his room, and Don followed. Mikey slammed the door in Don's face, and Don punched it in frustration.

Don turned and glared at Leo. Leo was just about to ask what was going on, but when Leo did that he got one of two reactions. Either someone yelling at him to mind his own damn business, or a brother breaking down his arms. Why couldn't they be honest without the drama?

"Talk to him." Don said firmly passing Leo without a second glance behind. Don looked around the living area, "Where's Raph?"

Leo shrugged, "Not sure. He was sleeping on the sofa."

Don jumped to the sofa, and instantly there was a book in his hands. Leo stood watching as Don flipped through the pages quickly. Anger increased in Don's eyes. Suddenly he roared and tossed the book against the wall.

"Donnie?" Leo asked with concern. Don just stood there seething.

"That idiot." Don snarled.

"Talk to me, Don."

Don turned to run for the door ignoring Leo on the way.

"Don! DON! DONATELLO!"

"Damn." Leo cursed. Too late. Don slammed the door behind him, and soon he heard the engine of the van running. Growling, Leo turned to walk up the stairs, but the book that made Don so irate caught Leo's eyes.

He sure as hell wasn't getting strait answers from his family. Maybe this book held something. Jumping down, Leo walked over and picked up the book.

The pages were abused by Mikey's pen. The semi-sloppy penmanship was hard to ignore, and a few Mikey-ish doodles appeared. Mikey was the only one who kept up to his artistic namesake. Even through his little brother's drawings were in comic and anime styles. Still, he was good.

Turning to the first page, Leo was surprised to see a letter addressed to Raph. Frowning, Leo could see water splotches dotting that page. They were recent and still wet evidence of tears. Leo frowned as he read the letter.

_Dear Raphael,_

_I'm sorry if this comes to a shock. I'm sorry for a lot of things, but you reading this isn't one of them. _

_It's time you understood what your antics and lies have done to this family. What they're still doing to this family! _

_I know Don and Leo forgave you, and I am trying, okay? But, it's like you don't understand. I just don't want you to get hurt again, and I'm scared that you'll do this again and again._

_Read this journal. It will explain everything._

_Michelangelo_

Bracing himself, Leo continued to read the pages. They were more…blunt than the letter let on. There was the occasional _'I hate Raph!' _written in bold red. Page after page went on about who unfair it all was. How Raph should be helping, and how Raph should lay off Don. Leo even saw a few _'I hate Leo! How could he leave us!'_ pages dedicated to what Mikey felt of the 'desertion of their Fearless Leader.'

There were less smiley faces as the book went on. There were less time Mikey inserted a giggle or anything upbeat. As the dates became closer and closer to when Leo came home, Mikey seemed to have forgotten or given up on Raph.

_April 28, 2007_

_Found out Raph was the Nightwatcher the whole time. Surprise…surprise._

_I remember when we were little and Master Splinter started teaching us how to use weapons. We were so excited. Real weapons! Because we were still of the tender age of ten, Splinter gave us seemingly harmless wooden katanas to practice with._

_At first practice with the swords, everything was going fine. Sword katas were so much fun. But, Raph just had to be himself with a real weapon. During practice, he would chuckle and nearly miss us with his wooden sword. They weren't sharp swords, but it was enough to have me and Don concentration diverted._

_Leo started telling Raph to cut it out. Raph was Raph, and told Leo to mind his own damn business. A fight started…again. However; Splinter didn't stop katas, and Raph was distracted._

_Distracted enough to swing his sword low enough to cut my arm. Being the baby brother, crying was protocol. Don bandaged the cut, and Leo yelled at Raph for being so damn careless. _

_Splinter stopped practice and collected our swords. HE said we would resume weapon training when our concentration is perfected. Raph apologized like a convicted man who found the light. He even carried me to the sofa, and I had dibs on the remote for a whole day. _

_Two weeks passed, and we were allowed to practice with wooden swords again. It would be a lie to say Raph had learned his lesson, and his concentration was on what he was doing instead of proving to Leo he was better._

_Don got cut that day. Leo slapped Raph. Raph apologized; carried Don. Splinter stopped training for another two weeks. _

_Why does it feel like that now? Like Raph is just the same brat with a wooden sword. Sure he apologizes afterward, but he's just going to hurt you again. It doesn't matter what laws Splinter makes or how hard Leo can hit or how many times we forgive, Raph is Raph, and that won't change. _

Mikey was at the top of the stairs. Leo closed the book and set it on the coffee table. Turning to face Mikey with a stern glare, Leo saw Mikey's face fall in guilt, but there was still that anger and bitterness.

Leo narrowed his eyes, and stated, "You could have said something."

Sighing, Mikey shrugged, "Been there done that, dude. Somehow me being serious is taken very seriously around here. Seriously."

"You know that's not true."

"Yeah?" Mikey's voice spat angrily, and pointed to his chest. "I'm Michelangelo, the baby-brother-goof-off of the team. The one that always has a lame joke to cut the tension of battle. I'm not the leader, perfectionist. That's your bit. Don the genius. Raph's the hothead. That's how things _use_ to be! That's when we use to know who we were and how we fit together."

"Things change, Mikey."

"Don't give me that crap, Leo." Mikey snarled as he walked down the stairs. "I get enough of that from Don. This type of shit has been happening for years. The bomb finally blew. End of story."

Leo folded his arms. Now he was mad. "What type of shit has been happening for years?"

"Hello?" Mikey angrily mocked his own ex-personality with a giggle. That made Leo irate. "Earth to Leo! You and Raph have been at each other's neck for years. Me and Don run when the sparks fly, and when you're not around Raph hammers on Don. I tag along with what big brother is around. Sometimes I get left behind."

"Is that what this is about?" Leo picked up the journal, and held it in Mikey's face. "You feel like Raph left you."

Mikey snarled and snatched the journal easily. "This isn't about me. It's about him and what he's doing to destroy him and this family!"

"Wake up, Mike!" Leo was yelling now. "Do you expect me to believe that bullshit. You felt abandoned by him, and this is just to get back at Raph."

Mikey was yelling back, "You weren't there! You have no right to judge! You didn't have to see what Splinter's words did to Don. We both know I'm better at fighting against Raph than Don is. Don is not a fighter, but the only reason he failed as a leader was because of Raph!"

Leo snapped, "Is that it? Do you know Raph ran out after he read your pity story! You should have faced him like a man!"

"You don't understand!" Mikey tossed his journal against the brick wall with all his force. The spine broke and a few loose pages feel free. "You were too busy playing savior of the jungle to give a damn!"

"Don't you turn this around." Leo hissed, "This is about you and Raph."

"It's about all of us, Leo!" Mikey yelling was not a normal occurrence, but it was a recent development. "You were the one to say if something happens to one it happens to all. I'm so sick of this drama, the lies, the fights! I'M SICK OF IT, AND I WANT MY BROTHERS BACK!"

Running, Leo took hold of Mikey's shoulders. The embrace was a hard one, and Mikey clung to Leo's neck like a drowning man. Third and last brother to break down in Leo's arms cried hot tears against Leo's shoulder.

_"Things happen for a reason." Splinter advised softy._

_Leo growled, "This is all your fault."_

Leo let one tear slide into his mask to hide where no one could find it.

* * *

"Where are you going, Raph?" Don questioned inside the empty van. Driving one handed, Don looked down to his tracker. The green map on the screen showed the Hudson and the Brooklyn Bridge. The red dot that symbolized Raph's position was blinking in the center of the bridge. It wasn't moving now thankfully.

Turning, Don headed for the bridge. When he reached there, it was two in the mourning. A few red-eye drivers passed Don's van. The river below was black and glassy. Lights shimmered in that reflection.

Normally, Don would be babbling about the engineering marvel that was the Suspension/Cable-stay hybrid bridge. The design was amazing for the time it was built! Suspension Cables - four 15 3/4" diameter wire ropes. Number of Strands in each cable - 19 (JSG)Total Length of Wire in cables - approximately 3600 miles (JSG) Miles of wrapping wire on each cable - 243 miles 943 feet (JSG)…

Brother climbing up those cables- Raphael.

"NO!" Don screamed inside the van. His heart froze, and Don's fears became real. Instantly his mind tried to say, _"No…H-he wouldn't…He CAN'T!"_

Don spotted him instantly which was odd considering Raph was staying well away from the public eye below. Staying to the stone masonry, Raph was climbing a nearby cable by the tower's right side.

The sky was dark and stormy, and the air smelled of rain. Instantly Don saw Raph's cycle parked on the pedestrian walk-way. Don found an emergency park-way, and secretly creped out of the van.

Then as soon as it was safe, Don made a mad dash for the New York tower of the Brooklyn Bridge. Raph was already three fourths the way up to the tower's top. Putting on his shuko hand claws, Don starting climbing the tower. It was faster this way than the cable. Sure it was dangerously stupid, but Don had to get up that tower…before…

"RAPH! NO!"

* * *

_um...what if I said this was the end? runs from arrows Okay, it's not! It's not! Tee-hee. This is a cliff-hanger...pun intended. Okay, that was lame. Anyway, thanks for reading! Reviews are awesome! Please review!_

_-Weezellee_


	10. Tower of Stone

_Kinda' ironic that this chapter is marked with an X, huh? Anway, I cried almost the entire time writing this. Let's say...Raph and I...we understand each other. I'll leave it at that. I'm sorry if I scared everyone with my last chapter. I love all your reviews. Sorry, I wasn't able to answer to all of them. Stupid work and sleeping pills. Anway, thanks for reading and enjoy. BTW, this is another song-chapter. The song is "No Way Out" by Phill Collins from Disney's Brother Bear. IT is so Raph's feelings, eh? (I love...dew!)_

_Disclaimer: I LIKE CHOCOLATE MILK! (Cheese from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends)_

* * *

Chapter X: Tower of Stone

"Ah, yes, the sea is still and deep, All things within its bosom sleep! A single step, and all is o'er, A plunge, a bubble, and no more." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

_"Calm down, Don." _Don mentally scolded himself. _"Don't jump to conclusions. Okay…jump is the wrong term to use here. SHUT UP, BRAIN!"_

Taking a deep breath, Don peered upward. Did Raph hear him? Either he didn't or he was ignoring me. Either way, Raph kept climbing the stone tower. The wind was stronger as Don climbed closer to the top. A storm was coming. In the black, moonless sky Don could see the faint difference between cloud and night. The air was thick with aroma of the storm.

_Everywhere I turn, _

_I hurt someone_

_But there's nothing I can say to change_

_the things I've done_

Raph got to the top- no problem. Somehow it was like he couldn't feel how strong the wind was, how high he was, nothing. Nothing is what he felt. Hallow like the ink black sky above and twice as dark.

They hated him.

_I HATE RAPH!_

_"Stop being such a hothead, Raph." Leo growled, "You almost got Donnie KILLED!"_

_Don started growling back, "Not when my own father needs me, okay? Not when I'm needed more at home! Where are your priorities, Raph? All you do is go on patrol, train, and drink with Casey!"_

_"You lied to us, you know."_

_"THEN STOP ACTING LIKE AN ASS!"_

_"Oh, really? Wasn't it you who said that this team didn't exist anymore? I know I messed up okay, but I want to you take some of the blame, Raph!" Don's voice was rising. "I can't do this anymore! I know I fucked up this family, okay? I just can't believe you would do this AGAIN!"_

_"You're impatient! HOT TEMPERED! And more importantly...I'm better than you."_

_"You've got to be KIDDING ME!" Laughing cruelly, Don added, "What fools we were! To believe that you've changed!"_

_I HATE YOU!_

_**I HATE YOU!**_

Closing his eyes, Raph stood solid against the pounding wind. It was so cold here- alone on his tower of stone. There was something symbolic in that sentence. You could analyze it, pull every word apart, and put it together and get the same result.

Where Raph was in life was his own damn fault. He lied more than once to everyone he loved. He was the reason they were all suffering from that year. Raph was the problem. Raph was the reason, and they hated him.

However; no one hated him more than the turtle standing on the ledge of his own tower of stone.

Each line Raph read from Mikey's journal was the truth. It was blunt and far from pleasant, but it was the truth. Those words were what Raph feared, and now he knew the truth that Leo and Don hid from him. It was…surprising yet understandable that Mikey of all of them should come out and convict Raph. Still, he was…grateful. At least someone was telling how they really felt.

They hated him.

Raph hated him.

They wanted him gone.

Raph wanted him gone.

_I'd do anything within my power  
I'd give everything I've got  
But the path I seek is hidden from me now_

The wind was strong and growing stronger. Don's purple bandana tails whipped to his left. Light was something distant like the city's skyline or the occasional flight warning light that Don passed rarely. Mostly they were in darkness all the way to the top.

Looking up, Don saw the top edge but not Raph. Feeling is anxiety building, Don tried to push back that fear. Man, he was going to need ten coffee mugs after this, and maybe a anti-anxiety pill to knock him out for a week or two. Even Mikey's idea of a vacation was sounding good.

Don was so sick of thinking he could scream. Screaming sounded good actually. Add screaming to list of things to do. Anything sounded good but thinking. It was odd because of the obvious. Don was a thinking, and now he didn't want to think.

_"Okay, nearly there."_ Don gripped the ledge and hoisted himself. He tried standing, but the wind was too strong. Giving a loud yell of dismay, Don landed right on his back. Standing again was easily and effective. His knees were still slightly bent to stop him from taking another fall.

_Brother, I let you down_

There was one option. Raph's family needed to be happy. Raph was destroying that happiness, so Raph had to leave…for good.

Looking down at the black river far below, Raph was soon faced with that choice. His eyes were dry. He couldn't cry. It would be pitiful and a lie to cry now. It would be just another lie on top of the countless others.

Like Mieky's journal said, this had been going on for years.

Raph frowned. Tonight, with one jump, he would end it…

_"Ah, yes, the sea is still and deep, All things within its bosom sleep! A single step, and all is o'er, A plunge, a bubble, and no more."_

No more…no more…

_  
You trusted me, believed in me _

Don saw Raph's back turned to him. His brother was on the edge of a 276½ foot drop to the water below. Sure they've been on higher ledges, but Don read Raph's intentions loud and clear as Raph leaned over the edge.

_  
And I let you down_

"RAPH!"

Don yelled over the gathering storm and the racing winds. Behind his yell was a desperate prayer. A prayer that Raph heard him, that he would turn around, and Don's worst nightmare wouldn't have to come true.

Thank God, Raph did hear, and he did turn around. Light was very limited here on the top of the tower of stone. Still they could see each other's faces. Don's face- full of fear yet broken with relief. Raph's face- full of something else yet broken with something stronger.

"Go home, Don." Raph said over the wind in a calm, empty tone.

"Not without you!" Don yelled back, finally standing tall. "What the hell are you doing, Raph?!"

_Of all the things I hid from you  
I cannot hide the shame  
And I pray someone, something will come  
To take away the pain!_

Raph didn't answer at first, but stared with empty eyes. Not wanting to do anything to result in the unthinkable, Don just stood and waited. His heart was a flame with fear.

"I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago…"

_How did it come to this?!_

Tears filled Don's eyes instantly, and he yelled in a very broken voice, "Y-you can't do this!"

Raph reached behind his head and untied his bandana. Mask-less, Raph held the red ribbon in his hand. Looking to Don with a weary smile, Raph steeped two feet before releasing the mask. The wind quickly carried it, and Don caught it.

"I-I'm sorry…Donnie."

_There's no way out of this dark place  
No hope no future  
I know I can't be free  
But I can't see another way  
I can't face another day._

Don was sobbing now, but he yelled, "YOU CAN'T! DAMN IT, RAPH!" Raph turned his back, and walked to the edge. "FINE!" Don reached back behind his own head and soon his purple mask was off. "If you go…I go too!"

_There's no way out of this dark place_

It was like someone had lassoed a rope around Raph's neck. Raph turned with complete anger in his eyes. It was the first recognizable emotion from Raph Don had seen in a long time.

"Don't…you…dare!" Raph growled.

_No hope no future_

Don took three steeps closer to Raph. His face frozen in determination. They were two inches from each other as they stood as statues on the tower.

"I won't leave you." Don growled, "You can't ask me to do that Raphael. Mikey and Leo would say and do the same. So don't you fucking dare ask me to leave."

_I know I can't be free_

They stared at each other with bear faces full of anger, but anger at what or whom?

"You hate me." Raph finally broke the silence. "You're just to nice to say it to my face. You have to cover it up with a lie. At least Mikey was the honest one, and now…I know how…"

_But I can't see another way_

_SLAP!_

Raph took the blow, and he still stood. The red mark where Don's palm made contact with Raph's face grew, but Raph still turned his cheek. Don was fuming now. Never had be been so angry at anyone ever!

"If you think that…then twenty years HAS BEEN A LIE!" Don yelled as loud as he could. Taking Raph's neck in his hand, Don jerked Raph's head to face him, "LOOK AT ME, BIG BROTHER! Look at me, and tell me again that I hate you!"

_I can't face another day._

Raph was crying now. Broken sobs of a broken man. Don released Raph's neck in favor of a crushing embrace. It was like Don was holding Raph away from the edge of his tower.

"I love you, okay?" Don whispered through his own tears. "God, Raph! I _love you_! I-if you…I couldn't take it! None of us would." Raph was trembling now, and Don just held tighter.

Then it started to rain.

_There's no shelter from the storm inside of me.

* * *

Yeah? People love me again, right? No more arrows? Anway, I should clear something. Ahem...THIS IS NOT INCEST! I just had to clear that up. Seiroulsy...ewww. That kinda killed the...mood, didn't it? I just wanted that to be clear. Okay? Okay. Anway, thanks for the reviews! This time I will reply to ALL OF THEM! Serioulsy, it's a goal of mine! This ain't the end, but it's close to the end! _

As always, thanks for reading!

-Weezellee


	11. Brother

_Dude, totaly cried at this chapter. Man I loves these turtles! I'm a die-hard cry baby who loves a tearful story. I do a crapy job at writing one as we all know. LOL! Anways, I'm almost done with it! It's so sad it's coming to an end, but I think that's a good part about being a writer. When you're done, you've just accomplished something meaningful. See! I'm such a sap!_

_Disclaimer: Hello? Read bellow? Would you really want this sappy stuff to happen? LOLZ!_

* * *

Chaper XI: Brothers

The drive home was…silent to say the best. The van was filled with fresh awkward moments were words should be exchanged. Half a dozen times, Don wondered if he should say something, _anything_. Then he would look to the passenger seat, see Raph's face, and the bond of silence would continue.

It was still raining. The water ran into the gutters and collected in the city's system of storm drains. Streets were vacant and desolate with the occasional late-night driver running home or to work. The night was a chill with premonitions of an early frost.

Don's mind was a hazy buzz of thoughts, and how he longed for some sleep aids to put him out for a day or so. In fact the one place he didn't want to go was home. Home was a post-war Europe with crumbling cities and fresh emotions. Still, Don had to face it.

People change, even those you wish wouldn't.

* * *

Leo never slept when one of his brothers was missing. After what he read in Mikey's journal and how Don left so quickly, how could he sleep? After what he said to Splinter and all the drama, how could he sleep?

For Leo, South America was a simple life. People lived with simple needs and simple wishes for their family. New York was everything but simple for Leo. Home was not a simple place, and the word complicated was the only one to come to mind.

Complicated.

Mikey cuddled closer while he slept. The remnants of his baby brother's tears still lingered around baggy eyes. His hands clutched Leo's plastron, and at least one of them was sleeping tonight.

Leo turned to stare at a map posted on his bedroom wall. Nailed to brick, the map illustrated South and Central America. Circled in red where the points of poignant moments, villages, and memories.

It was odd he felt such homesick for that place. Wasn't he home? Wasn't it there in New York where he belonged? Those places circled in red were not his home no matter how hard he wished. He even remembered nights of silent crying for home, New York, while he was in the jungle.

Would he ever be satisfied with where he was? Would he always long for where he wasn't?

The South door opened. Mumbled voices echoed from the living room area, and then silence again. Footsteps followed by more murmured voices- Don and Raph. Leo released an aching breath go between slightly parted lips.

His door began to open, and Leo wondered if it was wise to pretend to be sleeping. It was too late. The door opened, and light flowed from the door to his eyes. Don peaked inside and saw Leo looking up at him from the mattress. Mikey mumbled something in his sleep and turned his back to Leo.

Finally free of the cuddly one, Leo stood and walked to the door where Don was waiting.

"What time is it?" Leo yawned.

Don answered, "Four thirty last time I checked. How's Mikey?"

"Fine. And Raph?"

That's when Don's face fell into a dead frown. Closing the door behind him, Leo motioned for the seclusion of Don's lab. Once inside, Don sat tiredly on his bed. He leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees and hands clasped under his chin. Leo had seen this posture before when Don was faced with a seemingly overwhelming problem with no visible solution.

"So…you did talk with Mikey, right?"

Leo was jarred from his own thoughts. He answered with a wordless um-hum. Don leaned back a bit to look directly at Leo. Then he turned to his monitor. Closing each one, Don left one camera on. Raph's room where Raph rested on the hammock.

Don just sat there, staring at the monitor where Raph was sleeping or at least pretending to do so. There was an infinite sadness in the scientist's eyes as he just sat there and watched.

Sitting next to Don, Leo asked softly, "What happened?"

Don didn't answer immediately, but he let his eyes drop to the floor littered with blueprints. There was fear those eyes that sifted within the sadness. Leo had acquired a great gift of reading people well- especially his brothers.

"Donnie?"

"He tried to kill himself."

There…he said it. Don took a shaking breath in. The image of Raph leaning slightly in favor of the 200 foot drop flashed instantly. His face instantly fell to his hands as the leftover panic sparked again. It caused his heart to pound, his breath to hitch, and the tears to come.

He could feel Leo stiffen next to him. He could feel his older brother's gaze on his shell, and he could almost feel fear in Leo's voice as he cursed.

Leo had never divulge into cursing. He had critisized Raph for the habbit, and he had called it dirty and stupid. Curing showed a lack of intellect to express oneself in a undignified matter. There was no honor in shouting off four letter words to show anger. There was no honor in anger.

Going against all that, Leo swore. He stood up, paced like a tiger, and cursed like a sailor in Spanish, English, and Japanese. After three minutes of this, Leo stopped just to take a breath. Breathing was healthy.

Speaking in Spanish, Leo asked, "Es él aprueba?"

"Pienso tan." Biting back a string of sarcastic comments, Don simply nodded. "We just have to watch him from now on."

"He'll love that." Leo sighed in total sarcasm.

"I can't believe Mikey showed him that damn journal." Don sighed and fell on his back on the bed.

Leo turned, "Hey, Mikey was just being honest with Raph."

"A little _too _honest, don't you think?" Don glared at Leo, "I mean, have you read the journal?"

Folding his arms, Leo said defensively, "In fact, I have. I know what Mikey wrote was some harsh stuff, but you can't tell me you didn't think that while it was happening?"

That was it. Don stood to face Leo. His emotions were already close to the edge (no pun intended) , and he sure didn't need this.

"You have no idea how I felt," Don spat.

Leo exasperatingly sighed, "Don't do this, Don."

"Do what?!" Don exploded, "Do what, Leo?! Play the blame game like Mikey only to watch the ramifications of it."

"Mikey is not the villain here!" Leo snarled back.

"You didn't see Raph on that tower!" Don stormed out of his lab with Leo running after him.

Leo reached and grapped Don's shoulder. He forced Don to look at him. No _way_ was Donnie going to run away from this!

"He's still not the blame."

"Then WHO, LEO?" Don turned and snapped. He was breaking down, but he was still refusing to do so. Don wanted an answer- to find the flaw so he could fix this. Never had he felt so hopeless than that moment when Raph took off his bandana. The image freeze-framed in his mind. He hung that picture in a frame in his blackest nightmares.

Don turned his back as the tears threatened to spill again. "I could have stopped this," Don whispered as his voice broke. "I could have…"

Leo was about to say something, but his weary heart forced his mouth closed. His hands tightened into fist. All this time, Leo had controlled his emotions that threatened to breach the surface. His control was unmatched, but now all he wanted to do was scream, cry, or just leave.

Conflicted, Leo walked over and put a hand on Don's shoulder. Nothing else was said as Don reached up and put his hand on top of Leo's hand.

Splinter watched all of this from the crack in the door.

* * *

Raph didn't sleep. He couldn't. Not with all the emotions and thoughts stabbing his chest. His eyes were so tired and everything ached.

Things were simple when he was the Nightwatcher. Once he dawned his helmet and mounted his cycle, Raphael's world faded, and he became someone to be feared, to be respected, to be admired.

To say Raph never knew of Mikey's true feelings would be a lie. Everyone knew Mikey looked up to Raph for strength and protection that not even Leo could give. It's was just…Raph never realized…

Oh shell, he was crying _again!_ All the guilt fell upon his conscience again. He could see how he messed up like tracing his steeps backward. He was the reason Leo left. He was the reason Don failed as a leader. He was the reason Mikey hurt so much.

Raph sat up in his hammock. It tilted slightly as he put his bear feet upon familiar earth. He could hear Leo and Don talking near his doorway. They were a few feet off but close enough to be heard.

"Way to go, hero," Raph scoffed to himself. "Good job at destroying the most important thing in your life."

Sighing, Raph stood. He just wasn't sure if he was leaving or staying. Half of him wanted to leave, run out of his room, out of the lair, and out of their lives forever. The other half wanted nothing at all: no love, no pity, nothing. Just let him rot in his room forever.

* * *

"Let's get some rest," Leo offered. "You haven't been sleeping, Donnie."

Don heaved, and finally turned to his brother with a weak smile, "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

Laughing bitterly, Don motioned all around him, "For all of this."

Leo frowned, "I told you already, Don. It is not your fault!"

"You can't say I'm innocent either, Leo."

"God, Donnie!" Leo yelled, "For my smartest brother, you're being dumb right now! Can't you see we're all at fault? Not just one of us, but ALL OF US!"

"I started it," Don logically stated. "I was suppose to be the leader."

"Can't you see? We don't want Leading Donnie. I want _my_ Donnie. The Donnie that stays unfazed and calm in all situations. That Donnie that stays sane and logical and always listens. The Donnie that keeps me sane!"

Don smiled warmly at this and nodded, but why did it seem he didn't believe it. There was that glint of a ragged soul on the brink. Leo now understood. Each of his brothers was blaming themselves and each other. The pain went around and around like playing catch.

Biting his lip hard between his teeth, Leo reached and pulled Don into a hard and gripping embrace. Opening his eyes, Leo saw his youngest brother standing halfway into the hallway. His eyes wide, scared, and filled with unshed tears.

Leo smiled at Mikey. Releasing Don, Leo motioned him over. Wordlessly and with his head bowed, Mikey walked over as Don turned to him. Something odd and dark crossed Don's face for half a second, and Leo prayed silently.

"D-Donnie…I-I…" Mikey stammered. His voice was heavy like a dam about to break. His blue eyes glistened, and his lip trembled. Looking away from Don's face, Mikey shed two tears- one from each eye.

Don smiled and pulled Mikey into a tight hug. The shorter turtle started to cry bitterly into Don's neck, and Leo stepped back. Turning around to leave his youngest brothers, Leo saw Raph's door lightly opened. Someone stood on the other side.

_**"He tried to kill himself."**_

_"Kill me already."_

_"Wha…Raph?" Leo was speechless. _

_Raph stood without help, and started walking out of the dojo._

_"Raph! Wait!" Leo reached out. Raph turned quickly._

_"You heard me, Leo!" Raph yelled in a voice that was broken but mad. Mad at who? "Just…kill me already!"_

_**"He tried to kill himself."**_

Leo's eyes widened. His vision blurred as he nearly ran to Raph's door. All emotions broke as Raph opened the door. Leo breathed. Raph wasn't dead. He was here, with them, and alive.

Raph was about to say something, but Leo didn't allow that. Holding on to Raph like his brother had just awoken from the dead, Leo began to cry. His fingers held tightly to the shell of his brother.

That past few weeks were so real and hard that no one had to say a thing for a stretch of time. Emotions were still raw, and they were far from okay. At least they were coming together.

Leo turned to Mikey and Don. Don was whispering something to Mikey that was upsetting the youngest of them all. Never had Leo seen such terrified fear in his youngest brother. Don was there, whipping Mikey's face with his thumb. Mikey stared unbelieving at Raph as tears feel like rain.

Leo turned back to Raph who's tearful eyes were down turned. A painful scowl stretched on his face. Suddenly Raph took a steep back, but Leo reached and gripped his wrist. Raph looked at Leo pleadingly, and Leo shock his head. They had to face this, but they would face it together.

Assured that Raph wouldn't turn and flee, Leo lowered his hand to hold Raph's hand. Leo smiled at him before looking back at Mikey. Suddenly and before Don could react, Mikey fell hard to his knees. His face was lowered to the floor, but his eyes were wide and terrified. Leo had a pretty good guess what Don had told Mikey.

"Mikey!" Don knelt in fear that he hurt himself, but before he could reach out Mikey was on his feet. He was running and crying Raph's name. Leo steeped back just in time as Mikey nearly tackled Raph.

Taking in shock, Raph fell with Mikey's momentum. Still Mikey refused to let go. He cried and mumbled half coherent sentences into Raph's plastron. Never had Leo seen Raph cry so deeply.

"I-I'm s-so sorry…Rap-phie!" Mikey hiccupped. Leo steeped further away from them, and helped Don to his feet. Don refused to let Leo's hand go as they watched Raph and Mikey.

"No, it ain't your fault…Mikey," Raph tearfully whispered. "If I wasn't such a…bastard I could have stopped myself from…from hurting you." The strong turtle's shoulders began to shake as he held onto Mikey tightly. "I-I'm so sorry...Mikey. I'm so sorry!"

Leading Donnie, Leo walked over and knelt down. Soon they were in a well needed group hug. No words were exchanged. No words needed to be said.

* * *

_SQUEEE! wOOt! and...yippe? Sure let's go with that! Anyway, this whole sappy moment has been long due, huh? Well, it ain't ovea! Remember Masta Splinta! More tears to come! BTW: this was not incest in anyway, shape, or form. It is not attended to be this way, and I'm sorry if it seemed to be so. Thanks for reading peoples! I loves youz as much as I lovez APPLES! (That's a lot if you weren't too sure. LOLZ!)_

_-Weezelee_


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